Darcy: We acknowledge the lives lost to suicide and recognise those who have survived suicide attempts and those who struggle today or in the past with thoughts of suicide, mental health issues, and crisis situations. We acknowledge all those who have felt the deep impact of suicide, including those who love, care, and support people experiencing suicidality and those experiencing the pain and bereavement through suicide. We respect collaboration with people who have a lived or living experience of suicide and mental health challenges and value their contribution to the work we do.

Welcome to Holding onto Hope, the series that shares the stories of everyday Australians who have experienced moments in crisis and found a path to support. Whilst all of the stories shared are of hope and inspiration, at times, you may hear something you find triggering. If you or someone you know needs crisis support, please phone Lifeline on 13 11 14, Text 0477 13 11 14 or visit lifeline.org.au for Lifeline chat service, which is 24/7.

Ruben: Welcome back to another episode of Lifeline’s podcast, Holding on to Hope. I'm your host, Ruben Mackellar, and today we have a truly remarkable guest joining us - someone whose journey is a testament to resilience, hope, and the power of seeking help when you need it most. Our guest today is Davina, a talented journalist and mother of two beautiful daughters, Rose and Hope.

Davina’s life has been a roller coaster experience from a blissful childhood to a successful career in regional and national television as a news presenter for the Nine Network. However, behind the scenes, Davina faced a different story. She battled silently with anxiety, PTSD, and a relentless pursuit of perfection. Her journey took a challenging turn when she became a mother experiencing postnatal depression and the immense challenges that came with it. But it was during her darkest hour that she reached out for help and found a lifeline quite literally.

In this episode, Davina will share her experiences from the highs and lows of her journalism career to her struggles with mental health all while juggling the responsibilities of motherhood. Her story is a powerful reminder that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. So without further ado, let's dive into Davina’s story, her path to recovery, and the hope that now shines so brightly in her life. Davina, thank you for joining us today on Holding on to Hope. Your journey is an inspiration to us all and we really can't wait to hear more about it. Can you take us back to those dark days when you reached your breaking point? What were the key factors that led you to that moment?

Davina: I've had three major breaking points in my life. And I guess looking back on them now, they all had different triggers. The first was around 2014/15. I'd been a journalist for about 15 years at that point. I’d covered a lot of trauma. I had also suffered postnatal post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) without realising it. And bouncing from crime scene to terrible tragedy meant I'd run a lot on adrenaline as well. At that time, I didn't have any balance in my life trying to escape the world of journalism. I just tried to absorb myself in it 100%. Whether it was listening to the radio and A Current Affair programs and reading newspapers outside of work, I started slowly to develop panic attacks that hit in the middle of the night when I was sleeping. Usually driving home from work, the release of being off air after a long day. And they were crippling and it was a real physical way that would overcome me. And that's what I came to understand as anxiety.

The second point in my life came about a year after my daughter was born in 2016/17. Rose is the most amazing, wonderful girl, but when she was a baby, she had severe reflux and food intolerances, and she developed a sleep disorder known as parasomnia. So we basically didn't sleep for the first three years of her life. The only way to comfort her was to have her upright on my chest. If I laid her down in a pram or car seat, if I gave it to someone else to nurse, she would just start screaming because she would be in pain. And I thought mentally I was coping okay. But what I had done in my career, which was throw myself into it 100% was what I was throwing myself into motherhood to try and fix this problem with this baby. And I thought I was fine mentally. But the anxiety I was feeling was something much different. It was this slow, burning engine that just kept ticking away. And it meant the worse I got, the less sleep I got, the more I didn't go out of the house, wasn't socialising, and I was just waiting for the next moment when Rose would start screaming and I would have to try and comfort her.

And the third breaking point in my life came in 2020 when we had a terrible family trauma that unfolded that I can't talk about, but what I will say it was, was our absolute worst nightmare. And it was something that threatened to derail every aspect of our lives - my marriage, our family, finances, our career, our relationships with our friends, and I was terrified. At that point, I just collapsed into this hole of depression and spent weeks in bed crying and unable to pull myself out of that period because I just was so scared of what the future was going to unfold.

But in each three of those occasions where I felt at that point, I got so sick in my head that I thought it was all my fault. And I thought I was causing the problems, the drama, the stress, I was causing the sick baby, I had caused this issue in our marriage. And the only way to fix it was to remove myself from the situation. And when I got really, really sick, it was planning and thinking about taking my own life.

Ruben: Did you find that what you were going through, there was a veneer or a front that you had to put on during that time for everyone else to be like, it's all good but really, there was a lot going on?

Davina: Yeah. And unfortunately, one of the blessings of my job is that you get hair and makeup done every day, you get to dress up in nice clothes, and it almost became this mask that I could hide behind. So I could step into work, I could be the confident person, I could go on air during breaking news and rolling coverage and with no scripts and unpack terrible, horrific crimes, and atrocities that were happening. And then I would walk away and I'd wash off that makeup and I would just crumble. And this expectation is you've got it all because you're on TV. Everything looks perfect. And you look so confident when there were so many days where I was barely getting through my job each day. And the same with motherhood. Rose is the most perfect child and she was the most adorable, stunning baby. And when people would look at her, they would say, ‘Wow, you're so lucky. Everything is so great and so wonderful.’ But inside, there was a combination of me feeling initially numb that I couldn't connect with her because I was constantly anxious about what was going to happen wrong. Then it spiralled to: I'm a terrible mother, and she would be better off with someone else as her mother and my husband would be better off without me.

Ruben: Seeking help is often one of the most challenging steps for someone facing mental health challenges. Can you share with our listeners the moment when you decided it was time to reach out for help and what triggered that decision?

Davina: I think that's one of the main reasons why I like to speak out as hard as it is to reflect on those awful times in my life. I speak out because I think we could help better governments and agencies could provide better help to people in need. In the first instance, after the anxiety and the panic attacks, I looked and reached out for help. Because of my marriage, I thought I was this terrible person who was awful to live with and was constantly stressed. So I went to get help to see a psychologist thinking that'll fix my marriage. And in the process of that, it was a psychologist who opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn't a bad person, I was actually suffering from severe anxiety that needed medication and counselling sessions.

The second time, I got help for the postnatal anxiety and depression. It was for Rose because I'd got to a point where I had been seeing a psychologist previously because of my anxiety, and we'd had a discussion about me going into hospital to get treatment for my mental health. And Rose was at such a point at that time as a baby where she was so reliant on me. I couldn't leave her for an hour, let alone spend five days in hospital. So I knew if I didn't get help, that's where I was going to end up. So I went down the path of more psychology sessions and changing my medication and looking at how else I could help my life.

The third instance, back in 2020, during the severe depression, I was pregnant at the time. And that was the time when I reached out to Lifeline. And I reached out to Lifeline because I was pregnant. And because this was a baby that we had dreamt of and wanted so badly we'd gone through IVF to get. Me getting better became very much about getting better for myself because I knew I'd been through this twice before these demons in my head I knew weren't right, that my life was worth fighting for. And I can remember that moment of feeling so overwhelmed and 99% feeling I just can't go on and that 1% saying, I'll pretend it's not going to win. I've beaten this before and I'll beat it again.

Ruben: In those moments, reaching out for help via the psychologist and Lifeline - Can you share with us what that process was like and how it felt to seek out that help and in the moment receive it from the psychologist or from Lifeline?

Davina: It's hard to put your hand up and ask for help particularly when you have such low value for your life at the time. And it's harder when you finally get the courage to put your hand up and say, ‘Yeah, okay I need help.’ And then you get to a GP or a psychologist to say, ‘Yeah, well, we can help you. But you're gonna have to wait four months until we can get you an appointment.’ I understand how hard it can be when you put your hand up and ask for help. But it's not easy. And it takes so much courage and strength in all those periods. I guess I look back now and I think my head, I thought it was a sign of weakness to ask for help. And what I realised is that my head was actually so strong because it was pushing me to do something that was so extreme that I knew I could turn that strength around to get better and to fight those demons. But getting help, I found much easier when I didn't have kids. You can make an appointment at any time, you can prioritise yourself. It's harder when you have children to kind of juggle that. One of the hardest things you can do is ask for help. But often, those hardest moments are the most rewarding, and they pay off big time.

Ruben: You mentioned a critical phone call to Lifeline that saved your life. Can you walk us through that moment, the emotions you're experiencing, and how that call shifted your perspective on your struggles?

Davina: It had been a terrible day. And we were in the middle of this family crisis in 2020 and it was just a day where I knew my mental health was teetering. I didn't want to be a burden and call family or friends. I didn't want to worry them. I called a GP and couldn't get an appointment and I called the psychologist and they weren't available. I called the psychiatrist, I sent an email, and didn't get a response. And I just spiralled through the course of the day, getting darker and darker and I thought, ‘This is all my fault. And this nightmare wouldn't be happening to our family if I wasn't in the picture.’ It was a family trauma. And my husband and I were very much each other's rock through the course of that.

But that particular afternoon, we'd had a terrible argument, my emotions were out of control, and I ran out of the house that night with the intention of taking my own life. There's a bend on the road, on my drive home from work, that I thought I could just, if I could hit the road enough speed, I would go over the edge. And that was what my intention was I went out the door with the intention of doing that. As I was driving, I got hit by a wave of nausea because I was pregnant about nine weeks at that point. And I pulled over and just the thought of that baby that we had fought so hard to get. And knowing that ending my life would end the baby's life as well stopped me.

So I called a crisis support number, not Lifeline that I had been given. And it was a disaster of a phone call. It was not what I needed at that moment. It just, the girl who picked up the phone was young and panicked as much as I did. And was probably just as scared as what I was in that moment. I hung up. And I thought one last shot - I'll call Lifeline. It was a woman who answered the phone. And automatically it was just a different vibe straightaway. She wasn't trying to fix me. She wasn't scared of what I was feeling. She just listened to me cry. And I was an absolute mess. And I can't remember a lot of what she said because I was such a mess. But I just remember her checking that I was safe. And that I was okay. She brought me into the present sitting in the car there, what I could feel, what I could smell, what I could hear, what I could feel, the nausea of the baby. And she spoke to me about let's getting home to be somewhere safe.

A shower is something that I've always found comforting and something that could change gears for me. And so we spoke about not doing anything else except to just going home and having a shower, putting my pyjamas on and going to bed. And I didn't have to think of or focus on or fear anything else that was going to happen beyond that, because I was so scared about what the future was holding for our family. I just went on autopilot. What she said is what I did, I just I needed someone to give me a path to get me safe. And she gave me exactly that. We spoke about the next day, getting up, calling the GP, calling the psychologist. But she didn't try and fix me. She wasn't terrified of how I was feeling, which I knew if I had called a family or a friend at that moment, they would have been scared of how I was feeling. I didn't want to scare people I loved. In that moment, she was everything and I got home safe.

Ruben: I'm so glad that you made that call. And for someone that's on the other side. Taking those calls, we often don't hear of the experience and how it is afterwards. So to hear that and even for yourself to know that the experience that you had in that moment with what you were dealing with, actually needed you to call again and you were able to get that support in that moment.

Davina: She was incredible. And I wish I knew who she was. I wish I could tell her now that I'm safe. It was her and it was my baby that saved my life.

Ruben: Can you tell us how your work played a role in your healing process and how it continues to impact your mental health today?

Davina: It was hard. I returned to work after maternity leave with postnatal anxiety and depression because I was constantly biding time thinking at the time, Rose will get better at six weeks, at three months, at five months, at six months, when she starts sitting, when she starts walking, things will get easier. And then I was marking time thinking, Well, life will get better when I get back to work. I had it in my head that I was such a failure as a mother and as a wife that the one thing I could do and almost do on autopilot was be a news reader and a journalist. I knew that that's one thing I had confidence in that I could do well. So returning to work gave me a small piece of myself back and not success. But I felt like I could do one thing right.

But it opened up a whole new can of worms of trying to work while I was sleep-deprived and while I had a baby that just desperately wanted me and only me. I had to learn after having a baby and after going through panic attacks before having a baby that this time around when I went back to work, I had to find balance. And children are wonderful at giving you balance and a reality check. So that in some ways, helped with my previous anxiety of panic attacks. Because I had this baby that I could play with and giggle and laugh with. It was hard. And to this day I find myself triggered by a lot of stories, particularly when they're relating to mental health stories, suicide and depression and anxiety.

But I've made it part of my mission at work to give some balance that I know that there is all shades of grey behind someone's choice to end their life. And I would do anything to try and save and help people. Quite often we're at the end of a story that is affected mentions suicide, the Lifeline, what we call them back announces read where the phone number is read out - and I asked my boss a couple of years ago, could I change the script because it was just a sterile script about if you need help call Lifeline. And I knew that Lifeline gave so much more than just help, it gives support and it gives hope. So I now make sure that when I read out that script, it's my own script that I've put together - ‘That if you or someone you know, and someone you love, needs help support and hope call Lifeline. And if it's an emergency, call triple zero.’ Because I think people underestimate you can be in a mental health emergency, and yes, call Lifeline to talk to someone.

I hope that's what I bring to my job these days as a result of the experience that I've had, as hard as it is and it's confronting it is because daily, we report on trauma and horrific events. It was my grandmother who used to say to me, ‘I don't know why you do your job, because it's awful what you have to report on.’ But I hope that I bring a bit of heart and life experience to the job that maybe other people haven't endured that can help people out there through their mental health struggles.

Ruben: Can you share some of the strategies you've developed to prioritise self-care and maintain your wellbeing whilst caring for your daughters, Rose and Hope?

Davina: What I've learned is that I've been able to incorporate the mental health strategies I had before I had kids where I would go for a massage or go for a swim at the beach and little things that I do to help myself I now try and cooperate into my parenting. Whereas I used to go for a swim at the beach and shock myself with the cold water, now we run under the sprinkler with the kids. We hop in the bath and Mummy runs the cold water on her hands and we watch Mummy scream. But I think what I'm really proud of with my daughters as well is that I don't hide how I feel when I'm having a bad day. I tell them Mama's not in a good space today. And it means that they, in turn, are turning around to me and telling me I'm having a bad day. I don't feel right. I've got butterflies in my tummy. And that we have that open communication.

Yeah, I can't pop off to have a massage or go to yoga, like I used to. But I've found other ways to incorporate mental health. Fitness was what I call it in my life. And I know as well that when I'm getting really not well that I have to prioritise my mental health because if I don't, the kids aren't going to have me be present and I'm not giving 100%. So if it means I've got to go away for a couple of hours to go for a walk to go for a run to get that massage to go see an acupuncturist, I will have to do that and prioritise that because otherwise I get sick again and the kids don't have me. That's not easy because my husband's also in the army so there's a lot of solo parenting that goes on. You'll be surprised the people in your life who will come in and say, ‘Yeah, I'll watch the kids for an hour.’ The next-door neighbour or a relative. I think sometimes we get so bogged down we don't wanna be a burden to anyone else but you end up being a bigger burden If you don't look after yourself. That one hour can make a world of difference.

Ruben: What have you learned about the importance of open communication within your family as well?

Davina: These days, we're stronger than ever before, which is a miracle when you consider what we've been through as a couple and as a family. And I think in those early days, the first reason why I got help was because I thought, I'm a bad person, and I'm wrecking our marriage, my stresses I can't deal with. And Mark is a very different personality from me. He's very happy-go-lucky. His military training means that he can switch off, maybe it's a man thing as well. He can just focus on one thing and go full steam ahead. Whereas I'm completely different. I will stress and worry about everything, every tiny little detail. He often jokes - the ant on the road, I will be worried about to make sure it gets home safe. But I've learned maybe not to worry about the ant on the road. And he's learned maybe not to be so dismissive and happy-go lucky. In those early days, he spent a lot of time trying to fix me, thinking ‘We’ll get you help, I'll do something to make you feel better.’ And he's learned, it's not his job to fix me, listen, hold me, hug me - but you don't have to fix me. I don't expect him to fix me either.

And we're at a point these days, I think, where there's a depth of love and intimacy there in our marriage, that would never have been there if we hadn't have learned that about each other, and understood what we've been through. And that's saying a lot, because he's in the military. And one of my bugbears with the Army is that they tell their soldiers that their soldiers first and then their husbands, brothers, sons, wives, girlfriends, whatever, but their priority should always be the army. And as a loved one, we're often told that we're not to distract that soldier. Like if they're away from home, and they're concentrating on something, don't bother them with the problems at home. And that, for me, became a message of, well, I don't want to burden him, I don't want to worry him with what I'm feeling.

So for a long time there, I never confided in him because I didn't want to be a distraction. And that's rubbish. Because he wanted to know if things weren't good, and I wasn't well, and I think there's a responsibility there in the military to probably correct that mentality that exists because family is at the core of military life as well. We are just as much part of the military as that member. And we're just as much part of that family and we are as important as their job. Even though their job is very important, family should always come at front of mind. I know we've got the space in our family where the girls and I come first in Mark’s life first and foremost.

Ruben: You've mentioned your role as an ambassador for the Gidget Foundation, supporting parents and dealing with prenatal depression and anxiety. How did this role come about? And what motivates you as part of this mission?

Davina: It was a colleague that had told me about Gidget. And when I heard the story of the woman Gidget - Louise - along the way, I felt a deep connection to what she had endured and how I felt through my postnatal anxiety and depression. Having a baby who was quite upset and struggling with the lack of sleep, and I guess I did question myself at the time: ‘What's the difference between Gidget and me?’ It feels like a flip of the coin. I got lucky. I'm here and Gidget is not. What really connected for me though, is that when I was really sick, and I'd needed to probably see a psychologist more than I did, during those dark days of postnatal anxiety, I would quite often cancel those appointments because we were down to one income. Rose needed medical appointments, and I felt like the priority should be her and I didn't place a value on my life so I couldn't justify the expense.

What Gidget does is provide 10 free psychologist sessions with no out-of-pocket expenses, and the psychologists are extraordinary and they specialise in perinatal health. And for me, that is a practical solution to helping families who are struggling - mums and dads. They are literally saving lives by something so simple. It just takes away that other stumbling block that you have when you're looking for help when you think 'I just can't.' And it is expensive to see a psychologist. It's more than $200 if you don't get the Medicare rebate. It's $100 out of pocket at least if you still get that rebate, but to have it free is a game changer. There's no excuse there. You can see someone and the stories through Gidget have proved because there are so many ambassadors. Gidget, they're incredible, they're a team that I'm so humbled to be part of.

Ruben: In your podcast series for Gidget, you've had the opportunity to engage with others who have faced similar struggles. What are some of the key insights or common experiences you've discovered through these conversations?

Davina: There are eight episodes in the first series. Each parent has a different trigger and a different story. They come from completely different backgrounds. Whether it's the mum that was the high achiever or the farmer who lives in isolation, a mum who suffered psychosis, a mom who lost her baby and suffered terrible grief, a First Nations mum, a same-sex couple, a dad, and then his wife tells her story as well. Their bravery is extraordinary but their strength is what I really admire. They all have that in common - they turn something that people consider to be a mental weakness into a superpower. And they will prove that through different avenues, because everyone got better differently, you can get better, and you can get help. And I was explaining the podcast to someone a few weeks ago, and it occurred to me how much we laughed when we were recording it, which didn't make sense. Why would you be laughing during something when you're talking about postnatal anxiety and depression, there is humour and joy beyond those dark, terrible moments. And there's hope there. And those eight parents are a testimony of that. And I adore each of them there. They're more than just people I've interviewed there. They're great mates and they're an inspiration.

Ruben: If you could offer a piece of advice to our listeners who may be facing similar challenges, what would it be? And what's the one message of hope you'd like to leave them with?

Davina: I think in my darkest, most awful moments, I always thought I was alone. And I know that's a feeling many people feel. You're not alone, there is Lifeline that will answer the phone. You might be sitting in a room by yourself, you might think you've got no one to call, you have me. I'm telling my story hoping that that helps. They have you - people who will answer the phone and are sharing their stories as well. And there is strength in that draw from that strength to know that you will get through this. And I think about the moments in my life where I contemplated dying. If that had been the full stop, there is so much joy that I would have missed out on after that.

When I called Lifeline, the baby we went on to have our little girl, her name is Hope. And I see the joy and the love and the happiness that she brings in our life. And I just think if that never came to be and if I wasn't here to see that, God I'd be missing out on so much. So it's knowing that you're not alone that this isn't a full stop. It's just a bump and find the joy in life because there is so much joy to have and that joy might be a comfy pair of pyjamas or a cold shower or a messy finger painting or a phone call or text message. But those small moments are what will get you by and get you out of that darkness. Just know that you're not alone.

Ruben: Davina, we really appreciate you being on the podcast and thank you for sharing your story so that others can find hope. We look forward to seeing what's in store for you next, and on a really genuine note, thank you so much for being part of this podcast. Diversity aside, it's having the ability for someone to share their story that will mean so much. So thank you a lot, Davina.

Davina: Thank you.

Darcy: Thanks for listening to Holding on to Hope, the podcast. Lifeline is grateful to all Holding on to Hope participants for choosing to share their personal lived experiences openly and courageously. In order to offer hope and inspiration to others, your act of kindness makes for a better world. And remember, you don't have to struggle. Connect with Lifeline.

(This transcript has been lightly edited for clarity.)