Darcy (0:00)

We acknowledge the lives lost to suicide and recognise those who have survived suicide attempts. And those who struggle today or in the past with thoughts of suicide, mental health issues and crisis situations. We acknowledge all those who have felt the deep impact of suicide, including those who love, care and support people experiencing suicidality and those experiencing the pain and bereavement through suicide. We respect collaboration with people who have a lived or living experience of suicide and mental health issues and value their contribution to the work we do.

Grant (0:32)

My two girls were my responsibility, and that was very, very important. So, I knew that I needed to be healthy enough to look after them, because that was a very important job.

Darcy (0:44)

Welcome to Holding on to Hope, the series that shares the stories of everyday Australians that have experienced moments in crisis and found a path to support. Whilst all of the stories shared offer hope and inspiration, at times, you may hear something you find triggering. If you or someone you know needs crisis support, please phone Lifeline on 13 11 14 Text 0477 1311 14 or visit lifeline.org.au for Lifeline chat service, which is 24/7.

Ruben (1:17)

Welcome to Holding on to Hope on today's episode. We are joined by Grant on October 31st, 1994. Grant took on what he thought was the biggest challenge of his life: getting sober. Along his journey, he learned the power of talking therapy, prioritising mental and emotional well-being and setting crystal clear boundaries. Little did he know all his work of self-discovery was the foundation he needed to carry himself through seven years of adversity, with resilience and determination. In 2010, life took an unexpected turn. Divorce. The loss of a father, home and a significant physical transformation due to stress reshaped everything. Sharing his story is a testament to the transformative power of adversity. Grant's aim is to inspire and motivate others for change.

I’d like to invite you to share whatever you're comfortable with in doing so about your journey.

Grant (2:15)

Thank you, Ruben. When I was around 13, I was quite uncomfortable. I had my first drink at about 14. So what they did for me was it took away those emotions that I was frightened to feel or to think about. So I ended up going down that path of using alcohol and using drugs. To, you know, secure that feeling of safe, but it wasn't successful for me at all. I endured some very, very difficult times on the drink. And I was a person that one was too much and 20 wasn't enough. There's nothing really in my life that at that point that sort of led me down that path. It was just I was uncomfortable. I was at a school dance, and I found the booze and that was it. So, I thought I’d chased the booze to chase those feelings away. You know, those emotions that I never wanted to feel. On the 31st of October 1994, I got sober. It was a firm decision within me that I'd had enough to drink. It was about a year prior to that that I'd given up drugs as well. I was battered and beaten with the booze. I'm very grateful that I sought help.

Ruben (3:23)

Could you share the pivotal moment or decision that propelled you forward in your journey towards sobriety and personal growth?

Grant (3:33)

So I remember that morning that I woke up and I rang my mum and I told her that I burned another relationship to the ground. And I really needed to stop my drinking. And so I guess my mum was sort of the first port of call. I think she was quite relieved that I had got to that point. It was like something that I was longing for, for a long period of time, but I just couldn't get there because the booze, it was a demon. It had me. So I guess I started walking was one of the first things. And I have a love for the beach and I was able to start walking on the beach every afternoon after work to try and give myself a bit of a breather. And you know, I started to notice things like the sunrise and sunset. I've been longing for that sort of environment and way of life for a very, very long time. So, I was very grateful that I was now sober.

Ruben (4:22)

The loss of a father, divorce and significant life changes in 2010 reshaped your world. How did you navigate through grief and uncertainty during this period, and what lessons did you learn from these experiences?

Grant (4:34)

I lost 21 kilos through stress and that was all in that three-month period. So what I didn't realise then, was grief had actually got hold of me. The work what I was doing at the time, that was the only thing that was getting me through. Trying to maintain family relationships with regard to communication and those sorts of things. How I sort of started to get through it was that I think I was really relying on work. And I didn't understand how sort of grief worked. I didn't understand that till later on down the track. But I understand that, you know, grief comes from loss and I experienced a lot of loss in a very short period of time. That really took its toll and I wasn't really acknowledging that pain was starting to build, and stress was starting to build. I was just trying to continually move forward every day. I was very grateful, obviously, that I was sober. That never came into question. That pain and stress started to build. It was very uncomfortable, but I think I got through it in a very odd sort of fashion. I think I still went back to numbing myself and maybe ignoring the emotions and the feelings that I was having around that.

Ruben (5:40)

Are you able to share with us a bit more about what that rock bottom was for you?

Grant (5:45)

Not long after that divorce and the adversity that I’ve spoken about, my mental health did start to decline. There was a period of maybe a year or two after that, both of my daughters came to live with me. It was a joy. It was a happy time. But I also knew that I was really starting to struggle mentally as well. I was certainly fit enough to look after them. And I know that there were times when, you know, they were at school, and I would go and sit at the beach because that's about all I could sort of do. By now, things are really starting to build up inside of me to a point that I was quite deeply depressed. And I also had become suicidal. That was quite frightening cause I'd never really had thoughts like that before, so that was extremely confronting for me. I actually reached out to a counsellor. I remember that day sitting at the beach talking to that councillor, and they were able to talk me back and I was very grateful for that. But it was a very, very, very difficult time to get through.

Ruben (6:46)

What got you to a position to reach out to the councillor?

Grant (6:50)

The reason that I called is because I I knew I was in trouble with those thoughts. I've never had them before, and they were telling me to go out to the ocean and never come back. I had a responsibility and my two girls were my responsibility and that was very, very important. So I knew that I needed to be healthy enough to look after them because that was a very important job.

Ruben (7:14)

You discovered a profound responsibility towards your daughters. How did this newfound sense of responsibility shape your mindset and actions during your difficult times?

Grant (7:24)

They started to override where I was at emotionally and mentally. I think and I just knew that, you know, like I had that responsibility. They had to be fed, had to be nurtured, had to be looked after school and that sort of thing. But I think I learned previously in those previous years, since the moment that I got sober, there was so much that I learned about emotional wellbeing for myself, and how important that is. And I knew for the girls that that was really important. So I had to start to focus on them and focus on, you know, talking about emotional wellbeing because the things that they had gone through were quite upsetting. It just really took over where I was at. And I think that was the point that I really started to forget about Grant. I forgot about me so I could focus on them and get them through our adverse times and where I was at. So I can see that that's where I sort of dropped away really from really putting myself in an area where there was self-compassion and self-love. And I started to forget about all of that, which was very difficult. And it really took me a few years before I sort of come to again from that.

Darcy (8:37)

We hope you're enjoying this episode Lifeline's new Support toolkit makes it easier to care for family, friends and loved ones and look after yourself along the way. Visit us at toolkit.lifeline.org.au. Now, back to the episode.

Ruben (8:53)

How do you believe your experiences can inspire and motivate others to initiate change in their own lives?

Grant (8:59)

Firstly, I would say don't leave it as long as I did before you reach out for help. That's really important through my experience with Lifeline and counselling has been so important and how that has really freed me up emotionally and mentally. If anything comes out of this story, with regards to what other people want to take out of it, if they are struggling then please don't wait before you reach out for help because there's always somebody else out there who can help, who can listen, and who can take the time to help you recover.

Ruben (9:33)

Over the past couple of years, there's been a few things that have happened for you and things have changed over time. Are you able to share with us and what that journey has been like for you?

Grant (9:43)

The last couple of years have been very difficult. Things that have caught up with me again with regard to the family crisis. So really the adverse times just haven't sort of come and gone. It's been a lot of adversity for seven to 10 years. I've been a great father through that and I'm very grateful for that. My girls are really strong mentally and emotionally.

But there was a period back in [20]22 that they were doing really well. So I thought, well, I'm doing really well. So I'm sort of throwing myself back into work and only lasted about three or four months. I had a breakdown. I reached out to Lifeline. I came in and had my first face-to-face session and I answered a few questions and what came out of those questions was that I was in severe psychological distress. And that took a lot of weight off my shoulders because I didn't understand that that's where I was. I took some more time out and I did some more counselling and I thought ‘Oh, beauty, you know, like I'm right to go again.’ So I sort of threw myself back in the work.

I was about March last year, in 2023, that I had another breakdown and this breakdown was suicidality. I dissociated. I had never, ever dissociated before in my life. It was the middle of the night, and I had the thought of getting up out of bed and going to the bush and taking my own life. Thank God I never did that. Those thoughts were there and I thought if I do that, it could be very harmful. And have a very, very negative effect on my girls. The moment that I thought that was the moment, those thoughts just pulled me back, I was terrified. It was frightening because I was there by myself. I was alone and those thoughts were very frightening. But the morning I must have gone back to sleep. I remember very vividly at 7AM, I woke up and virtually the first thing that was in my mind was the Lifeline crisis line. And I had to ring them. And I reached out. I'm so grateful that Lifeline was there for me.

Ruben (11:37)

If you could just share with us how your experience has been with counselling and being able to share your story. How has that been for you?

Grant (11:45)

There was a main reason that I was able to, and I wanted to come to Lifeline is because I'd also had a rapport that I had sort of built like being an advocate for them. And I've bought other people here and that, but the fact is that it's a phone call and it's like an intake. So within a few days, you know you could be in free face-to-face counselling. And I found that very, very important, because financially all through these years has been very, very difficult. I found that a great part of the counselling that I could do that. I'm very grateful that they offer that as well, because I think it's the crisis line. I mean it's, you know, virtually saving lives is what they do and they talk to people like myself. So you know, I'm very grateful for that.

Ruben (12:31)

How have you found your experience sharing your story? Because this is quite new for you that you've started openly talking to groups?

Grant (12:39)

About speaking openly and publicly, I think that this is the, I believe that I'm at that space now. I'm at that headspace. I'm at that hard space where I've got through all of the drama and the trauma and the suicidality. And I'm in the 32 clinical percentile. So that’s a normal psychological mind, which is a fantastic place to be. I'm very open and I'm very honest. I just really love to share that stuff, and now I've learned to turn on the headlights of hope.

Ruben (13:10)

What things do you do that make you ‘you’ today?

Grant (13:13)

My body board. I love to get out there in the waves and get out there with the dolphins and that's really good. I also do a lot of walking. I walk about anywhere from 30 to 40 kilometres a week. That is great respite for the mind. I can be starting off that walk troubled, and by the end of the walk I'm just feeling so good. There's good memories and there's a lot of strength in walk[ing]. I also do a lot of inward looking. A lot of personal inventory. Just making sure that Grant is being looked after by Grant, which is so important you know that self-compassion, the empathy, self-love, self-talk. You know, like I get up every day and I say, ‘Grant, I love you.’ And I look myself in the mirror and I say, ‘I really do love you. I love spending time with Grant today.’ That’s something that's really, really such a happy feeling to be in love with me. Because I never did treat Grant like that. So I don't call myself names and I don't call anybody else names. I've learned not to judge. I've learned not to criticise, and all those things that I've just mentioned are really, really important for my self-worth and the way that I treat others. And the connection that I want to have with others also.

Ruben (14:24)

Grant, how do you hope sharing your story will impact those who are facing their own challenges and adversities, and what message would you like them to take away from your experiences?

Grant (14:35)

I hope when people hear this that they can identify with the place that I was at. And I hope that it might bring them to reach out and ask for help, because we can't do this alone. We're not wired for isolation, we're not wired for loneliness. We are like hardwired for connection with other people. So I would just hope that if they can get something from what I've said that they can reach out. They can do it anonymously, but please just reach out, seek some help because that's the most important thing because, you know, they are worth it. Just like I am worth it. They are worthy of love and they are worthy of joy, and they are worthy of belonging. We all get that opportunity, but I understand when people are struggling mentally. And even if they can get some people around them that are gonna keep their flame alive while they're down. And help them and nurture them, or even if they bring them to a counselling session or sit with them by the phone or, you know, just something where they can reach out. That connection is something that is so important. And we really need to look after one another in that area. And I'm more than willing to share my story, with regards to doing that, even though I'm really good with that now.

Ruben (16:01)

Thank you so much Grant for sharing your story and being part of the Holding on to Hope Podcast. I really appreciate it and really look forward to seeing what's in store for you next.

Grant (16:11)

Thank you very much, Ruben.

Darcy (16:13)

Thanks for listening to Holding on to Hope, the podcast. Lifeline is grateful to all Holding on to Hope participants for choosing to share their personal lived experiences openly and courageously. In order to offer hope and inspiration to others. Your act of kindness makes for a better world. And remember, you don't have to struggle, visit toolkit.lifeline.org.au today.