Darcy Milne: We acknowledge the lives lost to suicide and recognise those who have survived suicide attempts and those who struggle today or in the past with thoughts of suicide, mental health issues and crisis situations. We acknowledge all those who have felt the deep impact of suicide, including those who love, care and support people experiencing suicidality and those experiencing the pain and bereavement through suicide. We respect collaboration with people who have a lived or living experience of suicide and mental health issues and value their contribution to the work we do. Welcome to holding onto hope, the series that shares the stories of everyday Australians that have experienced moments in crisis and found a path to support whilst all of the stories shared of hope and inspiration. At times you may hear something you find triggering, if you or someone you know needs crisis support, please phone lifeline on 1311 14 Text 0477 1311 14 or visit lifeline.org.au.

Ruben: Welcome to holding on to hope on today's episode we are joined by Martina as the cisgender lesbian, Australian Army veteran and dedicated PhD candidate. She thrives in adversity facing challenges of various kinds with unwavering determination. So focus on human connection and social healing, born from personal struggles resonates with those navigating life's difficulties, or feeling different in an indifferent world. Her journey involves overcoming trauma, workplace bullying, and surviving a near fatal suicide attempt in 2013, which fueled her commitment to building a life filled with strength and insight. Despite occasional imposter syndrome, this self proclaimed homebody cherishes quiet family moments and purposeful work related travels, demonstrating humility and resilience. Martina, thank you so much for joining me on the holding on to hope podcast that the first question that I'd like to ask you and I'd like to invite you to share whatever you are comfortable in doing so about your journey.

Martina: my journey is same two parts and that is what was going on in my life prior to 2013. And then what's happened subsequent to that since May of 2013, when I experienced kind of a life altering suicide attempt. And so prior to 2013, I grew up in what I can probably best characterise as quite a chaotic family environment, lots of violence in the home, addictions, gambling addictions, alcohol addictions, and family abuse, okay, so and that meant by my early teens, I experienced my own mental health challenges, and then went on to develop, you know, substance use issues and self harming behaviours. But somehow, I managed to kind of get through life up until 2013, by, you know, working and went to church University as a as a mature age student. And then went on to become a teacher. And then I joined the army and was in the Defence Force for about six years. But throughout all of this time, you know, I had ongoing mental health challenges that had kind of stayed with me since my late teens as a result of experiencing complex trauma. And then, you know, I've worked as I said, in the army in the Defence Force, an experience, I guess, some bullying, some some bullying, it's that time I was exploring my sexuality and coming out as queer and so it was a particularly challenging time for me. And then I'll tell if the Defence Force I went on to working quite successful roles actually have had a national and state level in in workplace health and safety and human resource management. But I was, I guess, what I'd call kind of a high performer, but I thought I was doing everything to access and that meant working, but also partying and what have you to access 2008 I had a relationship breakdown. And at the same year, I lost a job that I really loved. Which I can talk more about later. But I pinpoint when when things really started to unravel, it's probably 2008 When that happened, those two things happened. And then I just kind of bounced around for a while in terms of, you know, bits of work here and there and did a bit of consultancy work. But throughout that time, I was still self medicating with alcohol and harming myself and pretty much every way you can think of really, and then as I say, fast forward to you know, 2012 I kind of became homeless So I ended up in a private clinic. And then yeah, the suicide attempt happened in May of 2013. And fast forward, you know, here we are 11 years old, and it's a different kind of life that I'm living now.

Martina: Thank you for sharing Martina and I know you've touched on a lot there, but particularly around, you know, the lead up to your attempt and, and, you know, the dark times that you would have been going through, are you able to share with us, you know, the kinds of thoughts and feelings which you experienced during that period.

Martine: It's complicated, and it's, it's, yes, it's mental health struggles, but it's also, I think, when you've got a history of trauma of any kind, you know, there's a whole bunch of stuff that happens in terms of self loathing and shame and, and wondering why things have happened. And so it's this myriad of complicated and often confusing and frightening, to be honest emotions. And so the way that I responded to those was to actually numb them and try to drink, you know, to choose any form of distraction I could, whether that was drinking, etc, or spending money or, you know, whatever it might be. And so, um, but I was, you know, I was in a constant cycle of admissions to a private clinic and constant cycle of medication, which, in fact, I actually think increased my suicidality if I'm, if I'm honest, and it just seemed like a spiral, to be honest, I'm living in these constant states of being clearly very unwell. But not looking after myself in terms of doing the very things that I probably shouldn't have been doing to get myself to a place of mental wellness.

Ruben: Thank you for that Martina and is there anything else you can share? You know, I know you mentioned, you know, spiralling and the and the alcoholism that that sort of was there during that period, but can you share with us anything else that you're comfortable with and sharing now regarding what it was like to be in that position, and really how it felt for you.

Martina: I think, you know, having the history that I that I did as a young child and not feeling safe. And that it just what it kind of does is sets you up to, to not trust the world and, and people in it. And so that kind of plays out in the way that you interact with people and the relationships you do and don't form and how that that happens. And that, you know, that can be so challenging when you then feeling isolated and disconnected from the world. How do you how do you start to trust them build relationships, when your very world was shaking, check in at a very, very early age. And so I think to what I've done the last 10 years, it's very much about that. That's why I focus on the importance of human connection and leaning into rather than leaning away from people, you know, in terms of trusting and trying not to listen to those voices that that just come from fear of sports, you know, previous trauma.

Ruben: Yeah, just on that, what was your first step in getting help? And did you come across any challenges along the way.

Martina: So a couple of things happened in once I spent 18 months in hospital as a result of that attempt in 2013. But by late 2014, early 2015 A couple of things were kind of pivotal one was that I do some mental health training programme, which was which was pretty great. And I also had a fantastic psychologist at the time who kind of supported me and gave me some tools I think, to be equipped to, to deal with, you know, the emotions that I was feeling etc. And but the other one that proved pivotal and continued to this day is that I connected him with a local mental health organisation. And the irony of that connection was I've been to that service the year before when I but I was obviously I call it just not in a state of readiness to to want to do the work or whatever it was to help myself I was obviously still too far down a hole in terms of drinking and self harming behaviours, but anyway, I went to this particular service in 2015, and I'm still connected to that service and I think wrapping around good professional mental health support and whatever that looks like for you. But for me, I kind of know what I need. And then also connecting with a really good support service kind of has been two of the three game changes and then the stuff around the work I'm doing around, you know, human connection and challenging my own concepts about, you know, isolation, etc.

Ruben: How'd that feel for you, you know, taking those steps for What you know, and even from when you took your first step, you know, how did that, how did that feel for you?

Martina: It's not easy. It's, you know, it's almost in some ways counterintuitive to the things that you perhaps or for me personally, that I've that I've done before in terms of, you know, my, my normal modus operandi would be to retreat and to drink and just to numb and block everything out and, and then hurt myself in any other way I could find. And so to actually reach out for help is it's incredibly hard. It's it's, yeah, it's it's not easy. But even up until now I know that it's the very thing, the very thing that I perhaps don't want to do is the very thing that I actually need to do. And I'm getting I'm getting I've got much, much better insight, I certainly think that that's stuff I've learned through the last 10 years a by being mostly sober. So I'm actually able to have quite good insight into what's going on for me and to actually have that, you know, that conversation with myself about what this is actually what you need to do. But it isn't easy, it's and you've got to find whatever that combination of professional or you know, personal support you might have. Find out what you need in your own tool bag church that will keep you well or get you to a place of peace and more communist and not quite frankly. And I think I've certainly been able to do that for the last 10 years. But it's taken a long time. It's not a thing, you've got to keep almost practising those things.

Darcy Milne: We hope you're enjoying this episode, lifelines new support toolkit makes it easier to care for family, friends and loved ones and look after yourself along the way, visit us @toolkit.lifeline.org.au. Now back to the episode.

Ruben: How did your personal struggles with isolation and the quest for genuine connections shape your understanding of the significance of mental health awareness in your life.

Martina: I'm just deeply curious about human connection. And it's because because I have felt so kind of isolated in, in one way or another, it's the very thing that I want to kind of understand and, and get closer to. And so that just means though, that I mean, I guess far more open and I'd like to think have far more a self compassion, which I think is you know, kind of kind of key but far more compassion to be open to everyone to be honest, I, you know, I think perhaps I operated previously from a price of just trusting everyone. And wondering what people's motives were and you know, finding every which reason to, to kind of find a problem or what have you. And quite frankly, that's just exhausting. And so, to be kinder to myself, I've actually gone it's way easier just to see people as innately good. And in that in a nightly wanting to have good intentions and then operate from that premise. And it's, it's just such a more peaceful place to come from, quite frankly.

Ruben: I agree. You know, when it comes to having a strong network around you, you often do need that, to keep you going, you know, it's to fill up that that cup, as simple as it is. But Valentina for someone facing similar challenges, what advice or guidance would you give to encourage them to take the crucial first step towards seeking help and support for their mental health?

Martina: It's so hard, I mean, I'm not going to ever pretend that it's, it's not easy, and that no one's life challenges or circumstances are fair, or that, you know, or, or, or not, you know, unjust, whatever it might be, but, but at the end of the day, I think that first step is, is actually step of being kind to yourself and saying, Well, I'm here, you know, I need to reach out in some way. And look, it couldn't be thought about, well, how have I reached out when I've been really, really struggling and often, you know, some of those behaviours will come back, I will, will retreat and want to isolate, it still happens I'm very aware of, but the way I will reconnect is to either just with a friend or something, send a text or something and, and that's my way of re engaging. So just encourage people to do whatever that micro step is for you. Whether it's a friend or a partner or loved one or maybe it's not maybe it's a support service, just to break interrupt the silence and those thoughts that are going on because that staying in that space is can have a really powerful negative hold over you. But the minute you start interrupting that pattern of thoughts by reaching out in some way it can be it is the game changer wherever the sights, that's the thing, I'm still aware that I need to do. Often, when I feel like conscious retreating into myself, you know, what have you.

Ruben: What do you do in your day to day life that helps manage the frequency and the severity of the difficulties for you?

Martina: You know, firstly, I stay away from alcohol, to be honest. So, you know, it's really basic stuff. So I kind of know what my, what my, my things are that keep me well, and that is, you know, could sleep eating well, and not drinking? What have you? And I know, one or more of those happening out there my early warning signs that things aren't going well.

Ruben: I sort of wanted to allude to, you know, your your self care plan, or what you do to admit self care? Are you able to sort of share I know, you mentioned cooking, and you know, those little things, but is there anything that you could share with us? That would be a bit of a self care plan for you?

Martina: I think in terms of a self care plan and a bunch of strategies, I think, yeah, there are some formation, some really obvious tangible things. So I know that, as I said, engaging in cooking and doing yoga, at home is really good. I do listen to like meditation late at night, quite often, if I have sleeping difficulties, I don't take anything medication wise, but I will listen to mindfulness apps to be honest, quite often until I fall asleep. So it might be two or three of those, but they seem to work a trade, quite frankly. And so. So I'm going with that because it does seem to work. And then it's just, you know, it's it's almost the stuff that you can't see about when I know that I'm really low and struggling it and I catch myself, berating myself, and what have you, I'll actually do the reverse and do a better self talk, walking around my apartment and just trying to be kinder to myself in the words that I'm saying, and stop comparing myself to people. So I do believe that, you know, Comparison is the thief of joy, and so on. Yeah, I like to hold on to that in terms of keeping that in my little toolkit about, you know, just being me run my own race, do my own dance, whatever that is, and find people who can kind of get you unconditionally and live in that space.

Ruben: I know, that lived experience networks have been a huge support and source of connection for you. For those listening. Martina, can you please explain what the terms lived experience means to you? And how have you found these support networks or communities?

Martina: Look, I don't want to over intellectualise, the term lived experience because there is having worked in the lived experience workforce for the last 10 years, I could run the risk about doing that kind of intellectualising, what does it mean? But I think for me, first and foremost, you know, we've all got lived experience of something. But for me, I connect connecting him with what's his what's his lived experience network mean, for me, really, it's it's, it's no more complicated than me finding people who either have similar shared ex life experiences that, that I can talk quite openly with, or sometimes it's actually not, sometimes it's people who've got quite different lived experiences, or perhaps mental health challenges, or could be substances or it could be you know, domestic and family violence, whatever it might be, but actually connecting about what's shaped our lives. But I'm also having, as I said, worked in the space for about 10 years, some of my closest connections have actually come very surprisingly, from people who I would call don't necessarily wave the lived experience, banner or flag or whatever you want to want to call it, I guess, but, but they're just getting on with their life and who might then quietly after a period of time tell you about their own lived experience? And, and I've just found those to be just, yeah, deeply transformative, to be honest.

Ruben: Thank you for that Martina. And if you can give one message of hope to our listeners, what would have been Martina?

Martina: Remember, that comparison is the thief of joy. And so do life the best way you want to do whatever it is to bring you a sense of peace and happiness and feel like you are contributing to the world, whatever that means for you. Find that to that and perhaps worry less about what everybody else is doing or thinking. And that as I say, that might mean having to reinvent yourself a few times and work out. What is it I want to do what makes me happy, what doesn't make me happy and do more of the stuff that makes you brings you happiness and joy and then Find people who you can connect with cheaply. And wherever that might be, whether that's in your personal life and your families and your loved ones. Perhaps it's your work colleagues, maybe it's a social interest, but do find one or more preferably people that you can really have deep and trusted friendships and relationships here because to me, that's, that's all we're here for, is human connection. So if you can find ways to do that, well, then to me, you're living, living well.

Ruben: Thank you so much, Martina for for sharing your story and being part of the holding on to hope podcast, I really appreciate it and look forward to seeing what's in store for you next.

Martine: Thanks so much. It's been a pleasure.

Darcy: Thanks for listening to holding on to hope the podcast. Lifeline is grateful to all holding on to hope participants for choosing to share their personal lived experiences openly and courageously. In order to offer hope and inspiration to others. Your act of kindness makes for a better world. And remember, you don't have to struggle, visit toolkit.lifeline.org.au.