Darcy: We acknowledge the lives lost to suicide and recognise those who have survived suicide attempts. And those who struggle today or in the past with thoughts of suicide, mental health issues and crisis situations. We acknowledge all those who have felt the deep impact of suicide, including those who love, care and support people experiencing suicidality and those experiencing the pain and bereavement through suicide. We respect collaboration with people who have a lived or living experience of suicide and mental health issues and value their contribution to the work we do.

Welcome to Holding on to Hope, the series that shares the stories of everyday Australians that have experienced moments in crisis and found a path to support. Whilst all of the stories shared offer hope and inspiration, at times, you may hear something you find triggering. If you or someone you know needs crisis support, please phone Lifeline on 13 11 14, Text 0477 13 11 14 or visit toolkit.lifeline.org.au for Lifeline chat service, which is 24/7.

Ruben: Hello, and thank you for joining me. I'm Ruben and I'm a volunteer telephone crisis supporter at Lifeline. I'm one of the voices you may hear if you call for support. At the age of 15, I lost my dear father to suicide. Ever since that fateful day, I always wished my father had the opportunity to talk to someone like me when he needed it the most. 13 years later, and four years into my journey with Lifeline. I'm now part of that opportunity. And this is why I'm so passionate about hosting this series. If you're not quite ready to talk, perhaps you will find comfort by listening to the stories of people who have experienced the value of reaching out for help. Single mum Nicole was inspired to become a Lifeline Crisis Support worker after her own experience with suicide ideation. Nicole experienced an elongated battle with workplace bullying and victimisation. Hi, Nicole, thank you so much for joining me today.

Nicole: You’re welcome Ruben. It’s a pleasure.

Ruben: I’d like to invite you to share whatever you are comfortable in doing so about your teenage years. And your first attempt.

Nicole: I was about 17, I was in a relationship with a much older guy. I had a pregnancy and an abortion and all these horrible things happened to me. And I decided to O.D. on my dad's Valium, got my stomach pumped, and was taken off to a psychiatrist to make sure I was okay. But that was the only help I got. Like it was never spoken about. And there's no support in my community for my family. I was just had to deal with it for the rest of my life. Really?

Ruben: Could you just describe what thoughts that you're experiencing?

Nicole: I was so shamed about what I had been through and what how I could be judged by imaginary people. I didn't even know who was judging me. But it was just society and the culture at that time where it was seen to be, you know, like, something you just didn't speak about. And shame is like that, you know, it thrives on silence. Very, very dark times. For me, I ended up drinking a lot as well and taking drugs.

Ruben: How was that for you being alone in that process?

Nicole: Well, drinking and drugs became a part of my life for a very long time after that. Which was quite common in the 70s, heavy drinking and drug use. And I had a really good job after that. And I went on to do some really good things. But personally, I couldn't cope with the shame. And I keep on going back to the shame. It was like toxic shame, it became a part of me that this is who I was, was a person who had got pregnant and had to get an abortion and then took drugs and alcohol and tried to kill herself. You know, I felt like that was a part of my whole identity. Really, I was a very innocent, lovely, good person. And it breaks my heart to think about that little girl really, who had to go through all that stuff. It's just heartbreaking.

Ruben: Later on in life, you experience 10 years of workplace bullying and a string of alleged sexual harassment. Can you share with us how these events affected you?

Nicole: Reuben, it was in a workplace where I was running a business of my own. And I had some women employees and one in particular had been allegedly sexually assaulted, and herself and me had also been sexually harassed over and over and over. And we tried to report it through the proper channels, we did the right thing. And then the organisation in that we're talking about that we won't talk about, they decided that this was too much for them to think about and they wanted to protect the people that had done it, I suppose. And so they tried to cover the whole thing up. And so there was a whole string of incidences where we work kind of bullied and victimised and eventually driven out. I actually had to leave that organisation because it just was soul-destroying and affected my mental health really, really badly.

Ruben: Can you explore a bit more what that was like?

Nicole: Because I was running the business of my own so I had a lot of money invested, a lot of time and love had gone through it. So I had to protect that at the same time. So it wasn't like I could go off on workers comp, or, you know, sick leave, I had to keep on working. And so the pressure of working as well as looking after my children, because I'm a single mother as well and protect the financial interests of the business. The pressure was immense. I found myself trying to cope with alcohol, again, drinking too much to relieve the pressure at the end of the day. Oh, my God, you know, I need to drink just to get through, which of course, compounded everything and made it even worse. It also affected my self-worth a lot. Because here I was a well respected businesswoman, I was being treated in this horrible way behind-the-scenes, more or less. A real challenge and something that caused me to have a huge emotional breakdown — a few times, but one time in particular, I ended up in a hospital. Where I had to get therapy and they told me I had PTSD. And that was because of the bullying and victimisation. So yeah, it was very intense time.

Ruben: What was your first step in getting help for the issues that you were struggling with and having to go through at the time?

Nicole: I did actually ring Lifeline at one of these lowest points throughout the end of 2018. And I cannot remember the phone call at all. Like, no idea what I said or what was said to me. I just remember it was a lovely lady that talked to me and got me more grounded. I also reached out to the local hospital and the Mental Health Uni. A friend rang them and I ended up speaking to a really lovely nurse who asked me about if I was thinking about suicide. I said, ‘Yes, I have been.’ She asked me how I was going to do it, and I told her how I would do it. And she ended up ringing me constantly to check on me, which was amazing. That kind of support in our community was so good. And she actually suggested Lifeline as well. So all these things made me realise that Lifeline is always there. I didn't really think about it that much before.

Ruben: When you made that call to Lifeline for the first time, what brought you to make that call?

Nicole: Somebody suggested it. It was something it was really hard for me to do because, I thought that you could only ring Lifeline if it was like life and death right then. And then somebody would come and save you. I didn't actually realise it was a crisis line. I didn't understand what a crisis was. And I also didn't relate it to myself. I was in this state where I wasn't thinking very well. So I thought I don't need Lifeline. But when I rang I realised that yes, my feelings I was going through actually extremely dangerous to myself.

Ruben: Are you able to sort of share with us and sort of try and place the call at Lifeline to sort of where you are right now in your journey with mental health? And what's that’s been like for you?

Nicole: Well, I suppose calling Lifeline was the start of me reaching out to somebody who was going to offer some empathy to my situation. Because before that, I felt like I was a bit of a burden. Like this has been going on for years or this trouble that I was going through. And I felt like I'd worn out my friends' welcome. And I was trying to juggle kids and sports and school and business. And I just felt like I was trying to do everything at once and juggle everything. And I didn't want to put this extra burden, yeah, on my friends who had enough on their own plates. When I rang Lifeline, it was somebody who really showed me some care. Like I said, I don't remember exactly what they said, that beautiful lady that talked to me, all I remember is the feeling of relief of, ‘Oh, there's actually other people that understand all this ,that I'm going through and that I'm not alone’. That kind of led me on to getting more help like ringing the local hospital and talking to the Mental Health Unit, and then checking myself into a hospital. So, it was like a string of events that happened after I rang Lifeline that really got me to get some serious help. It was kind of the catalyst that allowed me to see that there was a way out of this, because my mental health was pretty bad, pretty bad. And that's quite shameful in itself. I find I felt quite shamed about what was going on with my mental health because I wasn't myself I was displaying a lot of signs of losing control, I suppose would be how you would describe it.

Ruben: I suppose it was good you touched on earlier what people think of Lifeline and always think that when it comes to Lifeline, and you know this full-on well, that there is no judgement there. There is no bias. Your story is your story. And we'll respect that. And when you do call our number will be there for that person for whatever it is for we're really that crisis support line that's always there. I'm so glad for yourself, and where you are today that you did take that opportunity. And for anyone that's listening or watching now that feels like they need to give Lifeline a call, please do so. You will get to experience someone on the other end of the line that's really wanting to be there for you.

Nicole: When people do ring Lifeline when I'm on the phone. That is often the first words somebody will say is, ‘I don't know if I really should be ringing or I just need a chat.’ Once you dig deeper, you find out that they really are in crisis. But a lot of the time people think that they don't want to bother anybody, that seems to be very common.

Ruben: Where you've been, since that call, over time, what has life been like for you since?

Nicole: I got out of the situation in the business where that other horrible victimisation and harassment happened, because I had to look after myself and put myself first. But I was lucky enough that I could leave, I know a lot of people who can't leave those situations. So I feel very grateful that I was in a position that I could get out. So now I'm starting up another business and doing Lifeline. I probably do about three shifts a week, the connection that we've had to strangers just by listening and identifying parts of the story and the emotions that they're going through and the challenges they're facing.

Ruben: That’s special in the sense that you have experienced both sides of Lifeline and Lifeline’s 13 11 14. You've seen, heard and been able to call and experience. It is a very unique perspective that I certainly haven't had. But for yourself again, you know, that feeling of healing, but also giving and feeling it really rings true. If you were to touch on a bit more, and happy for you to go abroad outside of the work that you do for Lifeline, and how you touched on starting your own business. But what do you do in your sort of day-to-day life that helps you manage the frequency and the severity of the difficult days that you might have?

Nicole: I'm a yoga teacher, so that helps me a lot. I meditate. I do even breathing practice pranayama which we do in yoga, which helps to ground me. I meditate as soon as I wake up in the morning to kind of connect me and ground me. I don't wake up and just go straight into my phone or do something busy, I make sure that I spend some time trying to just get out of the 'nightmare stage’ I call it, because I still have nightmares. I'm also an EFT practitioner. So that's tapping. So I do a lot of tapping, tapping in my body, tapping my emotions. So that's a really good tool to use.

Ruben: What does that involve?

Nicole: EFT is Emotional Freedom Techniques, and we tap on meridian points in our body. So chest and head and hands and collarbones, there's kind of a sequence. And we say it's like bringing out the negative emotions and the negative part of your issue or problem as we speak it through and tap on the points. It allows the emotion to be processed through your body and mind. Sometimes you know, when we go into fight or flight or freeze, we get stuck in it, and this allows us to bring that emotion through us and out of us and then get the messages that are meant for us through the emotions. I hope that that makes sense.

Ruben: No, it does it does. Doing those things, do you find that that is helping you through? And do you have anything else she could share with us that you do today?

Nicole: I still see a psychologist because I still have a bit of PTSD symptoms. The thing that's helped me the most is that I don't drink alcohol anymore. I've been over two years, absolutely sober. It’s the best thing I've ever done. I recommend it to everybody. And I drank for a lot of years as have most Australians, I would expect. And I just got to a point where I just said, ‘Enough, that is enough. I'm not going to allow a depressant to depress me anymore.’ I gave it up and life gets better and better without alcohol. A lot of people don't want to hear that. They're not ready to hear that alcohol, you know, is something that they perhaps should give up if they're feeling depressed. But I'd say it's the number one thing that should happen. If somebody's depressed, and I'm not preaching to anybody. I'm just saying from my own experience, that's how I feel.

Ruben: I suppose for your sake, the impact that it's giving yourself the other things that you're doing, like working for Lifeline, doing the stuff that you are doing for EFT and what you do in that space, but also for the life and the business that you continue to lead. Keep doing you because I think it's amazing what you do and to hear it firsthand, to hear your story and what's next for you. To someone who is listening right now that resonates with your story, what would you say to them?

Nicole: Don’t be afraid to reach out, to ask for help. There's no shame in reaching out for help. And if there is any shame within you, if it's brought out into the light by speaking to somebody with empathy, who has empathy for your situation, it can heal you greatly. It's all about connection, connecting with other people and being vulnerable enough to connect with other people. And it takes bravery to do that. But I think it's really important to realise that you're not alone. This world is full of billions of people, and we all need to be there for each other.

Ruben: What's next for you? For Nicole?

Nicole: I'm just excited for life now. I feel like I missed out on years and years of living because of my mental health issues brought on by different situations, which can happen to anybody. I just want to do amazing things for the community. I'm so excited to start a new business. I've got three amazing children in their 20s. I've got one grandchild now. So I'm just so excited that she's come along, I’m just loving life at the moment. It’s so good.

Ruben: Thank you so much for sharing your story and being part of the Holding on to Hope podcast. I really appreciate it and thank you for all your work in supporting others in their journey to find help and connection.

Nicole: Pleasure.

Darcy: Thanks for listening to Holding on to Hope, the podcast. Lifeline is grateful to all holding on to hope participants for choosing to share their personal lived experiences openly and courageously. In order to offer hope and inspiration to others. Your act of kindness makes for a better world. And remember, you don't have to struggle, visit toolkit.lifeline.org.au today.