Darcy: We acknowledge the lives lost to suicide and recognise those who have survived suicide attempts. And those who struggle today or in the past with thoughts of suicide, mental health issues and crisis situations. We acknowledge all those who have felt the deep impact of suicide, including those who love care and support people experiencing suicidality and those experiencing the pain and bereavement through suicide. We respect collaboration with people who have a lived or living experience of suicide and mental health issues and value their contribution to the work we do.

Matthew: I have a great family. They're telling me to go and get the support that I need. So once I got past, the shame and the guilt, I did find myself that I was able to reach out and get the help I needed.

Darcy: Welcome to holding on to hope, a series that shares the stories of everyday Australians that have experienced moments in crisis and found a path to support whilst all of the stories shared of hope and inspiration. At times you may hear something you find triggering, if you or someone you know needs crisis support, please phone lifeline on 1311 14 Text 0477 1311 14 or visit lifeline.org.au For lifeline chat service, which is 24/7.

Ruben: Welcome to holding on to hope the lifeline podcast. I'm your host Ruben Michela. Today we have an inspiring guest Matthew, who dedicated 30 years to his career. A sudden shift left him feeling discarded, led into a dark moment, during the intense pressures of the pandemic. Matt's journey marked by hospitalisation and guilt took a positive turn during a year off work. Now, Matt is a mental health advocate, a trained Mental Health First Aider working to promote well being, especially in the workplace. His story is a beacon of hope, reminding us that even in our darkest moments, there is a path to healing on that, and thank you so much for joining me. And I'd like to invite you to share whatever you are comfortable in doing so about your journey.

Matthew: Thanks for even if I go back over time, and about the age of 15, I went to work with my mom during the school holidays, I ended up getting a job that day. I stayed in that workplace for just over 20 years. But what happened to me in that workplace is it just became my life. It became my everything. For me what happened towards the end of that management changed. And my role completely changed within the business. And I went from being what I consider to someone to being nothing with no direct reports, no ability to influence and I saw it as an opportunity to just believe and I did the what did you realise until after I'd left was after I first saw a counsellor. What actually had happened to me was they likened it to a divorce. So I went through a divorce from my employer for the next three months that was, and it was the first time ever in my life that I saw someone being a counsellor, I moved on with my life and got another job. And I always had these pined for that job and reference to everything back to that workplace. What was my dream job and dream role, moved on to another job. It just wasn't for me. And in the end, I left that job as well. Same thing for the next job. And then lo and behold, that job that I first had for 24 years, contacted me and said, Could you come back. So I went back to that job. It was so nice to be back. Although it had all new management. Suddenly, I became this person again. And I felt really respected and that I was someone again, unbeknown to me over that time that I had this underlying mental health boiling that I didn't know that I had a problem with. And it wasn't long before I reached out to AIP and said, I don't understand what's wrong with me. And I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, started on a dose of medication and off, I went and just got on with my life. Moving along with my career, I ended up leaving my dream job again. I started a new job, then that new job, again, we hit the pandemic was really tough working during that time. And the part of the business that I worked in was still fully operational, whereas the other half of the business wasn't and people were being made redundant. One particular Friday afternoon, I was having a conversation. And I wasn't in the best frame of mind in terms of headspace. And the message that came out to me on that particular day was that I had failed. And that's all I can remember from that conversation. But I was a failure. And I'd failed. And I think back over my career and I hadn't really realised that that's something I use continually. I consider myself a failure and that I fail. But as the weekend progressed into that, I decided that I'm going to just keep taking more and more medication. In total. It was just short of 60 pills, and I woke up the next morning. My husband was home. And not long after that he walked past me and I said to him, oh fuck I woke up he's Let's disable it. Suicide is not the answer. I've had the conversation with him after this in terms of what he could have said. And he said, clearly didn't look well, I couldn't have chastise you. I turned up to the hospital wasn't there for a few days, I left with a referral to a psychiatrist, referral to back to my GP, I was trying to be like a sponge. At this point in time, I think because of what I had done, I realised that my actions had hurt so many people, and that I really needed to make an honest attempt. And my well being one of the things that came out for me was this whole feeling of failure as being a real issue for me. And the other thing was this cycle of not being in control of something and running away. And if I think back over the reasons, and times when I'd left previous jobs, that's exactly what I had done. I found a reason dumped that reason, and then ran there.

Ruben: How did you first learn about lifeline and and what motivated you to reach out for support?

Matthew: When I was in care, one of the things you have to do before you leave is you don't need to write a plan. So they send you home with a plan on what you would do in the event of potential suicide, or you need you're in mental health distress. One of the things at that point in time that I had learned about was lifeline, what it does what it services were for, that has then since become part of my mental health plan.

Rube: How was your experience with Lifeline? And can you share with us what you were going through or thinking at the time when you were giving lifeline a call, today

Matthew: I found lifeline. The person on the phone, I knew that they were being super helpful and that they were there in the background. But what was actually happening in my head at the time was like a card file. And the cards were flying out. And my head was just chaos. I couldn't really string together too much Exactly. What was really happening in reality, but I knew that somebody was there that actually cared about me and was trying to help me. And in fact, they kept asking me, could I please pull over and stop driving the car. And I understand why they needed me to do that, considering the chaos that was going on in my head at the time.

Ruben: Were there any specific challenges or fees you had to overcome to take that first step and reaching out for help.

Matthew: The shame and guilt cripple you. And you know, when when that's there. But at the other side of that, though, you know, I have a great family. They're telling me to go and get the support that I need. So there's this internalisation but then there's, there's people around you that love you and care for you. And they're saying, please get help, please do this. Like if we could do it for you, we would do it for you. That's how much we care. So once I got past, the shame and the guilt, I did find myself that I was able to reach out and get the help I needed.

Ruben: Were there any particular resources, practices or people that played a significant role in this process?

Matthew: The people that I guess, hold a special place in my heart now with the other people I was in hospital with the support and the camaraderie that that comes out of that. It's overwhelming to be honest, it's that support is so caring. I mean, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, they great at trying to be great, you know, the people that I met whilst I was in care, they were there for the same reason I was, something's not right with them. But yet the help that we support each other with this is what gets you through.

Darcy: We hope you're enjoying this episode. lifelines new support toolkit makes it easier to care for family, friends and loved ones and look after yourself along the way, visit us@toolkit.lifeline.org.au Now back to the episode.

Ruben: What was it like entering the workplace? How was it for you?

Matthew: When I went back to work, it was made pretty clear to me that there was only three people that knew. However, I had a team of 12 across Australia and to them I was just on holidays, which is interesting because I wouldn't normally just take holidays without you know prior notice. The people that did no I didn't feel I had to tippy toe around them actually felt quite supported by them. So there was this element of I'm glad they knew because again, I could have been have my own shame and guilt come out and I could have been acted very differently in front of them. So I'm glad that that people knew that

Ruben: You were there any setbacks or obstacles you encountered? And how did you overcome them to stay on track?

Matthew: Probably quite a few setbacks, a lot of them relating to medication and the need to to change them. You know, the interesting thing with any medication for mental health there's the weight on and then the weigh in on so you do need to be quite strict around making sure that you do that properly. So I definitely there was some difficulties around that, I left another workplace, tortured myself again, thinking that I was a failure. What I do feel really grateful now though is was that opportunity when I left the mental health facility, and we write your self care plan, and you basically put a plan together of how you're going to look after yourself when you go home, and everyone's would be different. I have an album of photos on my phone. So it's very easily accessible. And they're all different photos, it's my family, it's it's nature photos, but they're all designed to give me good memories. And to try and change the mood that I'm in. Also I myself care plan is meditation, great tool that you can that can be used anytime of the day, you can be sitting in a chair, you can be lying down. Also, I really enjoy that the things like the sensory. So having that hot shower cold shower, just to try and change the mood that you're in. In the kitchen, I have containers where you have different things and then put your fingers in them to try and get the different sensory for you. So you know, I have these things. And as well as on my self care plan, it's people to call its lifeline. And it's my GP, it's my psychiatrists, it really important numbers, because if I needed to give it to someone else, I could do that. Another thing that's really important about your self care plan is your people. Who's the people that you ring, who's the people that you trust, to be able to talk you out of a situation, who's going to say, No, you're not a loser, when you ring them and say I feel like a loser.

Ruben: I understand, you know, through your journey, you've obviously evolved, you know, your advocacy and work within the mental health space, I suppose for yourself and for others, what have you done or sort of undertaken during that time? And can you can you just share with us more about it?

Matthew: Yeah, I can something I'm quite proud of. It's been about the last two years, I'm called a lived experience advisor. But the role of a lived experience advisor is to work with research institutes, and being able to have the voice of someone with experience of suicide, to help them in that research. One project I did was called under the radar. And that study was around about men, seven out of nine suicides are men. And it's these men that do not go and get any help. So which is exactly my situation, in terms of when I had my suicide attempt, I did nothing prior to that about getting help or needing even understanding that I needed to have help for that. So being able to be a lived experience advice is super rewarding. And what's good is that people are genuinely appreciative of what words you have to add to their research researchers that you work with, genuinely thankful for the insights that you provide.

Ruben: And finally, what is your message of hope you would like to share with someone who is facing their darkest days?

Matthew: Gosh, what would I have wanted somebody to say to me a few years ago, I think what's really important is, there is so much help out there. There is an enormous amount of people that are willing and able to take the time and speak with you and talk you through and genuinely care for you in your journey. You know, I think staying silent, remaining in your head. feeling badly about yourself is only going to get worse for you. So I say, you know go and ask for help wherever you can get it.

Ruben: I thank you, man. Appreciate your words and really for for joining us today. You know, your journey is a special journey. But it also can, you know, inspire others to hold on to hope and if they are in a position and they do need to that they can talk. They've also got services like lifeline to be there for them said Thank you, Matt. Really appreciate it. Thank you.

Darcy: Thanks for listening to holding on to hope the podcast. Lifeline is grateful to all holding on to hope participants for choosing to share their personal lived experiences openly and courageously. In order to offer hope and inspiration to others. Your act of kindness makes for a better world. And remember, you don't have to struggle, visit toolkit.lifeline.org.au Today