Note: this transcript has been edited for clarity, grammar, and flow.

Darcy: We acknowledge the lives lost to suicide and recognise those who have survived suicide attempts, as well as those who struggle today or have struggled in the past with thoughts of suicide, mental health issues, and crisis situations. We acknowledge all those who have felt the deep impact of suicide, including those who love, care for, and support people experiencing suicidality, and those experiencing the pain and bereavement through suicide. We respect collaboration with people who have a lived or living experience of suicide and mental health issues, and we value their contribution to the work we do.

Matt: I felt guilty for even just feeling like that. And I didn't like the person I saw in the mirror whatsoever. At times, I wished there was no one looking back.

Darcy: Welcome to Holding on to Hope, a series that shares the stories of everyday Australians who have experienced moments of crisis and found a path to support. Whilst all the stories shared are of hope and inspiration, at times, you may hear something you find triggering. If you or someone you know needs crisis support, please phone Lifeline on 13 11 14, text 0477 13 11 14, or visit lifeline.org.au for the crisis chat service, which is available 24/7.

Ruben: Hello, and thank you for joining me. I'm Ruben, and I'm a volunteer telephone crisis supporter at Lifeline. I'm one of the voices you may hear if you call for support. At the age of 15, I lost my dear father to suicide. Ever since that fateful day, I have always wished my father had the opportunity to talk to someone like me when he needed it most. Thirteen years later, and four years into my journey with Lifeline, I’m now part of that opportunity, and this is why I’m so passionate about hosting this series. If you’re not quite ready to talk, perhaps you’ll find comfort by listening to the stories of people who have experienced the value of reaching out for help.

On today’s episode of Holding on to Hope, I’ll be speaking with Matt. Matt is a suicide survivor, mental health facilitator, and humanitarian. After suffering from depression and anxiety from the age of 12, Matt attempted suicide in 2016, which in turn left him wheelchair-bound. After sustaining his injury, Matt managed to shift his frame of mind completely and is now on a mission to instruct, inspire, influence, and positively impact millions of people’s lives as a mental fitness facilitator. He’s certainly been on a huge journey, and I’m really looking forward to hearing more about it.

Matt, thank you so much for joining me today. I wanted to dive straight in and discuss, you know, you and your story, and what drove you to reach out for help. Could you take me back to 2016 and describe what was going on in your world?

Matt: Yeah, the beginning of that year was the darkest time of my life. It was like I was living two lives—the outside life I was living, putting on a pretty picture for everyone, and the inside life that was on the very edge. There was a lot of shame, guilt, hurt, and self-hatred that was just underneath it all but was masked brilliantly by what I was doing. You know, I was obsessed with the gym - six days a week training and eating to extremes. It looked like I was achieving my goals. But despite all the attention I got, I was feeling like things were overwhelming to the point where there was no other option.

I felt like the only way to remove that pain was to try to end it all. And so that’s what I tried to do. I attempted suicide on January 9, 2016. I snuck out of my parents’ house, and unfortunately, my parents and family woke up the next morning with their son and brother not home.

Ruben: Yeah, and for you to be able to share that means a lot. You know, it’s not often that people go through an experience like yours and have the opportunity to share it with others. So I’m really thankful for that. Prior to your suicide attempt, what feelings were you experiencing?

Matt: It had been going on for four years. It started when I was 12. The most predominant thought and feeling that I really had was that I was worthless - feeling like I was a waste of space, not having any purpose or job. Feeling like I was just a burden, not only on my family but to society as a whole. I wasn’t playing any role. I wasn’t contributing in any way, and I judged myself for that.

I used to see everyone smiling, my friends, my family, and naturally, I thought, “Well, that’s how I should be. I should be happy too.” But deep down, I didn’t feel the same. I was constantly comparing myself to others, feeling like I needed to be better, and that I was never good enough.

Ruben: At the age you were, with all the pressures that come with that, do you think looking back, it was a big contributor to that feeling of worthlessness?

Matt: Absolutely. It was amplified every single day. Especially when I developed certain habits. At first, those feelings weren’t as heavy, but they quickly turned into shame. I felt guilty for even feeling that way. I didn’t like the person I saw in the mirror, and at times, I wished there was no one looking back.

Ruben: Now, after your attempt, you sustained injuries and went through an intense recovery process. Could you tell us about what you experienced at that time and how it impacted your mindset?

Matt: Waking up after my suicide attempt, not only did I still have the same mental and emotional challenges, but I also woke up unable to feel or function below my ribcage. It put me in a position where, if I already felt worthless, I now constantly thought, “How pathetic am I now?”

I had 35 injuries in total, but the one that made all the difference was my spinal cord injury. I had severed my spinal cord and was told I’d never walk again. They told me nothing below my ribcage would ever function again. Hearing that, with the mindset I was in, took away any hope I had left. It felt like there was nothing ahead but darkness.

Ruben: How do you think that really impacted you? What were you feeling or experiencing at the time?

Matt: I was very aware of how I was feeling. I knew I was struggling, I knew I was upset. I remember many nights where I just couldn’t sleep because of how down I felt. Deep down, I wanted to open up. If I’d listened to that voice telling me to share, where would I be today? It really would have made a difference.

But then there was this other voice - maybe it was my ego or fear, I’m not sure - that stopped me. Looking back, I wish I’d just listened to my heart. It would have made all the difference.

Ruben: When did you realise you needed support?

Matt: It’s funny because there was never a moment where I thought, “I need support.” I felt like I could deal with it all on my own. But there was a moment in the hospital that started to shift things.

It was about four months into my hospital stay. I was out with my mum getting piercings, and on the train trip back to the hospital - funny, I call it home - this guy gets on halfway through the trip. No filter, he just walks on and, before he even sits down, says loudly, “What did you do to yourself?”

Here I was, a scrawny 16-year-old in a wheelchair with my mum beside me. Up until that point, I’d lied to everyone who asked. I told people I’d had an accident or a fall. But this was the first time I told the truth. I said, “I attempted suicide.”

He laughed at me. He said, “That was pretty stupid. Look at you now.” He kept laughing and laughing.

It wasn’t that moment that shook me, though. It was the next morning. I woke up and felt this sense of lightness. I went to see my social worker and told her everything: what happened on the train, how I felt.

She made me realise something I hadn’t seen before. She said: “Matt, you opened up to a complete stranger for the first time. You’ve been lying to people for so long, but you said you felt lighter after telling him the truth. What if you opened up to the people close to you? Could that potentially strengthen your relationships?”

I didn’t want to hear that. I walked out of the room. But her words stuck with me like concrete.

Darcy: We hope you’re enjoying this episode. If you’re not ready to speak to someone but would like more information, curated resources, and personal stories to support your journey, please visit toolkit.lifeline.org.au. Now back to the episode.

Ruben: What was your first step in getting support?

Matt: That afternoon, my girlfriend came to visit me. When she asked, “How are you?” for the first time, I was honest with her. I told her everything ... how upset I was with myself, how much I’d been lying, and I apologised for everything.

She’d seen and been through so much because of my attempt and my time in hospital. I remember feeling like, “Why are you still with me? Why are you still here?” My identity was so tied up in my physical appearance. Before my injury, I had this body I’d worked so hard for, and I thought it was who I was. Now I was in a wheelchair, and I called myself “half a man.”

She looked at me and said: “Matt, I’ve never seen a bigger man than the one in front of me. I know you’re in that wheelchair, but I’ve never felt closer to you.”

I’m speechless even thinking about it now. It was the one thing I hadn’t done for so long - just be me.

Ruben: What do you think held you back from getting support before your attempt?

Matt: I felt like I was the only one. Back then, mental health wasn’t talked about. If you were upset, you kept it to yourself. Everyone around me did the same, so I thought I had to follow suit.

If someone was struggling, no one would go over and check in. They’d leave them to figure it out on their own. I did the same—I kept things to myself, put on a front, and smiled for the world.

People would ask, “Hey Matt, how are you going?” and I’d say, “Yeah, I’m alright.” Even when someone noticed I seemed down, I’d brush it off: “Nah, I’m just tired.” It became a full-time job, hiding the truth from everyone.

I was scared of looking weak. Growing up, I always heard things like, “Have a cup of concrete and harden up.” That stuck with me.

Ruben: That culture of “toughen up” is so pervasive, especially in certain environments. I went to an all-boys school, and it was the same there - this pressure to not show vulnerability. Reflecting on it now, you can really see the impact it had on people, can’t you?

Matt: Absolutely. Looking back, I can see how many people were hiding their pain, just like I was. I can see now that if we’d had the chance to talk about it, things might have played out differently for so many of us.

Ruben: What support made the biggest difference for you?

Matt: The moment I felt closest to someone was when I was just being myself. I started opening up to my friends, my parents, and the relationships I valued grew closer.

Not all my mates knew how to support me, and some relationships faded away, but I found out who my true friends were. The ones I could be transparent with—I could support them more, too, because I wasn’t pretending anymore.

Trying to wear a smile for the world is exhausting. It takes so much out of you. If you’re struggling, I urge you to reach out. Support is out there.

At the same time, check in with the people you care about. You never know who might be on the edge, hiding their pain.

Ruben: It’s so true. Even just vocalising what you’re feeling can make such a difference.

Matt: Exactly. And when someone does open up, you don’t have to save them. You just need to be there. Listen, be present, and show empathy. Validate their feelings. Let them know it’s okay to feel the way they do.

Ruben: What changes did you make in your life to improve your wellbeing and live the way you do now?

Matt: A big part of it was learning how to support myself, not just relying on others. Basketball became a huge part of that. I played before my injury, but it took me six years to get back into it. Now, even just getting out on the court and shooting hoops by myself is something I love. It’s time for me, it’s fitness, and it’s fun.

I also started following my passions, like my work in mental health - running workshops, speaking, and sharing my story. That’s me following my heart, and it’s been the most fulfilling thing.

For me, it’s about being the person I needed when I was younger. It’s not about “fixing” anyone or healing their pain. It’s about helping create a space where they feel seen and supported. That sense of purpose has completely transformed the way I see myself.

I still make time for the little things that recharge me. A good meal, time with friends, a walk, even a nap. All those things add up.

Ruben: It’s so important to recognise what recharges your battery, isn’t it? And to step away when you need to.

Matt: Definitely. It’s about recognising what’s really important to you and letting go of the things that aren’t. I’ve become more intentional about how I spend my time, focusing on what brings me joy and meaning.

Ruben: What’s life like for you now?

Matt: My life revolves around a few key things. Rehab is a big part of it - I work with my trainers and physio most mornings. Then there’s basketball, my speaking work, and developing the workshops I run.

I also make time to connect with loved ones and have fun. I’ve realised how important it is to create a balance between working towards my goals and enjoying the present moment.

I’ve let go of the things that feel like a waste of time and focused on filling my life with what I truly value. That’s made a huge difference.

Ruben: You’ve been through so much, and yet you’ve embraced the journey. Would you say you enjoy it, even with the challenges?

Matt: Absolutely. It’s not always easy, but I’ve learned to appreciate the process. It’s like the saying: “I’ll be happy when…” No, you need to find a way to be happy now.

For me, waking up early for rehab or pushing through a tough session isn’t the path of least resistance, but it’s the path of most meaning. Every day I show up is a chance to strengthen my mindset and keep moving forward.

Ruben: Do you ever feel like you need to check in with yourself and make adjustments?

Matt: All the time. Some mornings, I wake up and think, “What am I doing?” But I’ve learned to take those moments for myself.

I sit with my feelings and ask, “How am I doing? What do I need right now?” It could be that I’ve neglected my social life, family, or spiritual side. Maybe I need to pick up my guitar or just take a walk.

It’s about being aware and making small adjustments to stay balanced.

Ruben: Looking ahead, where do you see yourself in the next year, five years, or even ten?

Matt: Recovery is a slow process. I’m essentially learning to walk again. It’s like being a baby all over. When I woke up in hospital, I couldn’t even sit upright. Now I’m working on strengthening muscles that had no function.

Recently, I’ve started using an exoskeleton, which is a robotic-assisted walking device. It measures how much effort I’m putting in and tracks my progress each week. It’s incredible to see how far medical science has come, and I believe anything is possible.

That said, whether or not I walk again, I know with absolute conviction that I’ll keep moving forward.

Ruben: What’s next for you?

Matt: My purpose is at the heart of everything I do. I want to influence meaningful change in millions of lives. That’s the number I’m aiming for - one million people.

I want people to know they have the strength inside them to overcome whatever life throws their way. And on a personal level, I’m looking forward to having a family - having a wife and kids is something I dream about.

Ruben: Thank you so much, Matt. It’s been an honour to hear your story and share this conversation with you. You’ve been through so much, and the perspective and determination you’ve gained are truly inspiring.

Matt: Thank you, Ruben. It’s been a pleasure to share my journey.

Darcy: Thank you for listening to Holding on to Hope. Lifeline is grateful to all participants for courageously sharing their lived experiences. If you or someone you know needs crisis support, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, text 0477 13 11 14, or visit lifeline.org.au for crisis chat support, available 24/7.