Finding relief through grounding techniques
When feeling overwhelmed, grounding techniques can be a practical yet powerful way to feel calm and regain control. Learn how they can help you.
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Support Toolkit
Self-harm
Understand what self-harm is, why it's used as an unhealthy coping mechanism, and where to find support for you and the people you care about.
What is self-harm?
Self-harm is when you hurt yourself on purpose, usually because you're going through a tough time emotionally and it helps you feel better.
Self-harm is a challenging and difficult experience that can be very frightening and isolating. It's common to feel alone, ashamed, and overwhelmed when struggling with self-harm.
Some people have described self-harm as a way to:
- Cope with intense emotions, such as sadness or overwhelm
- Express anger or frustration
- Relieve feelings of numbness or emptiness
- Feel a sense of control over your body or emotions
- Release tension or reduce anxiety
- Distract yourself from emotional pain or traumatic memories
- Communicate to others that you are struggling or in need of help
- Cope with difficult life changes or transitions
- Release endorphins and experience temporary relief or pleasure
- Express hatred you are feeling towards yourself
- Punish yourself if you feel you’ve made a mistake, or feel at fault for something
- Distract yourself from emotional pain by focusing on physical pain.
'I was self-harming for years because I couldn't let go all the pain I felt inside of me.'
If you are self-harming, it doesn't always mean you are suicidal, or that you are making a direct attempt to end your life.
Self-harm can, however, increase the risk of suicidal thoughts or behaviour, and all self-harm is serious. While self-harm and suicidal behaviour are different, they can be related.
Some people who self-harm may also experience suicidal thoughts or feelings, and self-harm can be a coping mechanism to manage these emotions.
Listen to a group of people talking about their experience of self-harm, what causes it, how it feels and how they think people can help.
Types of self-harm
Self-harm can take many forms. It’s important to recognise that there are a variety of ways that people might try to cope with their emotional pain.
Below, you can find examples of some of the ways people might self-harm.
It can be upsetting and potentially triggering to read about different methods of self-harm. It might be best to not read the information below if you’re feeling vulnerable at the moment.
- Cutting: Intentionally making cuts on the skin with a sharp object
- Burning: Using heat sources to burn the skin
- Bruising: Intentional hitting, biting, or pinching, to cause bruises
- Hair-pulling: Repeatedly pulling out hair
- Nail-biting: Biting nails to the point of injury
- Risky behaviour: Participating in dangerous activities with the intent to cause harm to oneself
- Interpersonal violence: Engaging in risky or dangerous behaviours with others
- Substance misuse: Using drugs or alcohol to the point of harm
- Digital self-harm: Posting hurtful or abusive comments about yourself online or engaging in harmful online behaviour.
If you or someone you know self-harms, it's important to seek professional help and support.
A psychologist can help address the underlying emotional and psychological issues that may be driving this behaviour, and to prevent further harm. With the right treatment and support, recovery is possible.
Click here to discover support services that can help people manage and resist the urge to self-harm.
Are self-destructive behaviours a form of self-harm?
Self-destructive behaviours aren't self-harm, but they're still harmful and come from the same source as self-harm: struggling to handle difficult emotions.
Self-destructive behaviours can include:
- Risky behaviour with others, such as fighting or risky sexual activity
- Intentionally ingesting harmful substances, (e.g., chemicals, sharps)
- Excessive exercise leading to injury or exhaustion
- Disordered eating, such as purging or restricting food intake
- Harmful behaviours affecting success, such as procrastination.
Click here to download, save, or print our self-harm fact sheet.
What does the urge to self-harm feel like and how can it affect you?
The feelings and effects of self-harm can vary from person to person, and your experiences may be quite different from others. Getting to know what triggers your urge to self-harm, and how it helps you, can be really valuable in discovering healthier coping strategies. It's important to remember that everyone's journey is unique, so take it one step at a time.
Feelings
If you're considering self-harm, or are already engaging in it, there are certain feelings that you may be experiencing, such as:
- Shame: You may feel ashamed or embarrassed about your behaviour and may try to hide your injuries.
- Guilt: You may feel guilty about engaging in self-harm and may struggle with negative thoughts or beliefs about yourself.
- Anger: You may feel angry or frustrated with yourself or others and may use self-harm as a way to cope with these emotions.
- Relief: Self-harm can make you feel better by causing physical pain that is easier to focus on than emotional pain. This can release pleasure hormones in the brain, leaving you feeling relieved.
- Hopelessness: Self-harm can be a sign of deeper emotional distress, and you may feel hopeless or helpless about your ability to cope with your emotions.
Other feelings you might experience are:
- Numbness and disconnection from your true feelings
- Self-hatred or self-disgust
- Out of control
- Overwhelmed
- Emotionally charged
- Unseen or unheard by others
- Suicidal and wanting to show that without taking your life.
Not everyone who self-harms wants to end their life. Self-harm is usually a way to cope with or escape intense, negative emotions. However, people who self-harm are at a greater risk of dying by suicide, especially if they start to believe they can no longer control their pain. Self-harm can also be fatal, even if death wasn’t the main driver or intent.
Effects
When you self-harm, it can impact various aspects of your life, including your physical health, emotional wellbeing, and relationships with others. This can make you feel worse overall, and make it harder to cope with difficult emotions. Here are some things that might happen if you self-harm:
- Physical injuries: Depending on the type and severity of the self-harm behaviour, physical injuries can include scars, bruises, burns, cuts, broken bones, and infections.
- Infection: Self-harm can increase your risk of infection, particularly if the injuries are not properly cleaned or treated.
- Emotional distress: Self-harm can contribute to or worsen your feelings of depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, and low self-esteem.
- Relationship problems: Self-harm behaviours can strain your relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners.
- Interference with daily life: Self-harm can interfere with your daily activities, such as work or school, and can lead to difficulty functioning in everyday life.
- Risk of suicide: Although self-harm and suicide are not the same, self-harm can be a risk factor for suicidal behaviour.
You may also notice yourself:
- Avoiding body-revealing activities, like swimming or changing clothes in front of others, and wearing long-sleeved clothes to hide scars or injuries.
- Isolating yourself from others and withdrawing from social activities
- Engaging in impulsive or risky behaviours, such as drug or alcohol use or dangerous sexual behaviour.
- Collecting sharp objects or other tools that could be used for self-harm, such as razors or knives.
- Having a preoccupation with self-harm or suicide.
It’s normal to want to hide your injuries from other people to avoid being judged. But avoiding others can make you feel disconnected from society and even more alone, which can negatively impact your mental health. When you learn healthy coping strategies, you won’t be burdened by the desire to hide away anymore.
If you have scars from past injuries and they bother you, you may want to consider working with a psychologist. A psychologist can work with you to overcome your discomfort and can help you find ways to handle questions from others about your injuries.
What are some of the causes of self-harm?
Self-harm is a complex issue that affects different people in different ways. While your reasons for harming yourself may differ from someone else’s, the most common reason for self-harm is to cope with emotional pain.
If you’re struggling to manage overwhelming emotions such as sadness, anger, anxiety, or self-loathing, you may turn to self-harm as a way to cope or manage your distress. Some other signs you are self-harming to cope with your emotional pain are:
- You use self-harm as a temporary escape from emotional pain or numbness by shifting the focus to physical sensations
- You use self-harm to gain a sense of control when you feel powerless or out of control in other areas of your life
- You use self-harm as a way of expressing intense emotions, such as anger or sadness, that you feel unable to express in other ways
- You use self-harm as a way to feel something when you feel numb or disconnected from your emotions
- You use self-harm as a form of self-punishment, usually when you are feeling guilty or ashamed about something
- You use self-harm as a way to cope with traumatic memories, or to regain a sense of control over your body.
When you hurt yourself, the brain releases chemicals that can make you feel good for a short time. This might be because the physical pain takes your mind off the emotional pain you’re feeling. This, however, is not a healthy or effective long-term solution to cope with your emotional pain.
Some other possible reasons you might self-harm are:
- Peer pressure or influence from others
- As a way to feel in control or empowered
- Curiosity or experimentation
- As a response to trauma or abuse
- To communicate difficult emotions or experiences
- As a way to manage overwhelming feelings of emptiness
- As a way to cope with boredom or a lack of stimulation
- As a response to a specific trigger, such as a phobia or anxiety disorder.
'I started self-harming when I was 12 as a way to deal with the way I felt.'
When you hurt yourself, the brain releases chemicals which can make you feel good for a short time. This might be because the physical pain takes your mind off the emotional pain you’re feeling. This, however, is not a healthy or effective long-term solution to cope with your emotional pain.
Some other possible reasons you might self-harm are:
- Peer pressure or influence from others
- As a way to feel in control or empowered
- Curiosity or experimentation
- As a response to trauma or abuse
- To communicate difficult emotions or experiences
- As a way to manage overwhelming feelings of emptiness
- As a way to cope with boredom or a lack of stimulation
- As a response to a specific trigger, such as a phobia or anxiety disorder.
It's important to know that hurting yourself is not a good way to deal with emotional pain, and can seriously harm your body and mind. Instead, seeking help from a professional can help you understand why you're feeling that way and learn better ways to cope. When you feel like hurting yourself, there are other things you can do to take care of yourself.
Self-harm is commonly associated with seeking attention, but this may not always be the primary motivation. It communicates that there's something wrong. This is an opportunity for us to offer compassionate support rather than making assumptions ‘they’re just looking for attention’.
Strategies for managing urges to self-harm in the moment
If you have recently self-harmed, please access appropriate medical care as soon as possible. Some injuries can become infected and cause more damage than you might think if they are left untreated. If you’re unable to access a doctor or hospital, you can contact HealthDirect’s 24/7 Health Advice Line to speak to a registered nurse on 1800 022 222. You can also contact Kids Helpline here, or Lifeline at any time.
If you struggle with self-harm, it can be challenging to find effective and immediate ways to manage the urge to hurt yourself.
Here are some practical strategies and techniques that you can use to help you feel more in control, and to manage your emotions in the moment.
Grounding techniques can help you reduce the intensity of overwhelming feelings by helping you get out of your head by returning your attention to the world around you. The grounding activities below are meant to give you relief by taking your focus off the pain you’re experiencing:
- Find an item in your immediate environment and pick it up. Try to describe it in as much detail as possible using as many of your senses as you can.
- Smell something with a strong scent, such as a cup of tea, a scented candle, herbs, or soap. As you inhale, try to describe what you can smell: is the scent sweet, fruity, floral, or something else?
- Come up with a category, such as cars or animals and try to mentally list as many things that fit into that category as you can
- Imagine leaving your painful feelings behind. Visualise yourself watching your emotions as if they were being broadcast on TV. Then, visualise yourself grabbing the remote and switching channels or lowering the volume.
- Use the 5-4-3-2-1 technique.
It may sound silly that by ‘distracting yourself’ you can avoid self-harming, but we know that the urge to self-harm is often a temporary feeling. If you can get through the initial impulse to self-harm, the desire may fade relatively quickly.
Try to distract yourself with a healthy activity, such as:
- Taking a walk
- Listening to music
- Talking to a friend.
Tell yourself you’ll wait 10 minutes to see if the urge passes. If, after 10 minutes, you still feel the urge to harm yourself, try to wait for another 10 minutes, and so on. You may even find another way to cope while you wait for the time to pass.
If you feel the urge to self-harm, you can try using a safer alternative, which can still help divert strong emotional feelings into physical sensations. Some examples include:
- Holding ice cubes
- Using a red marker to draw on your skin
- Having a freezing cold shower
- Squeezing a stress ball or soft toy
- Flicking a rubber band against your skin
- Eat something with a strong taste such as chilli or Vegemite
- Clap your hands vigorously or beat your fists into a pillow.
A safety plan is a document you can prepare in advance and refer to when you’re experiencing urges to self-harm. The purpose of a safety plan is to do just that — to keep you safe. It includes information about:
- Your personal warning signs, which help create awareness for you and your loved ones about what it looks like when you’re experiencing an emotional crisis and feel like self-harming
- Information about making your environment safe, such as getting rid of anything you could use to harm yourself
- Reminders of your worth and why you deserve not to cause yourself harm
- Activities to help ease your emotional pain
- A list of safe places you can go to if needed
- A list of people you trust and can talk to
- Emergency contact details.
It’s a good idea to ask a trusted friend, relative, or psychologist to help you come up with a self-harm safety plan. They should also keep a copy of your safety plan so that you have someone you trust to look out for you.
You can create a personal safety plan using the BeyondNow tool online or through their Android or iPhone apps.
Talk about your feelings and urges to self-harm with someone you trust, such as a friend, family member, or mental health professional. Choose someone you feel comfortable talking to, and try to be as honest and direct as possible. It’s ok to ask for specific help or support.
Try to maintain open communication with the person you’re confiding in, even if you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. Remember that they want to help you and support you. If opening up to a loved one seems too difficult, you can call Lifeline and speak to one of our crisis supporters anonymously. They can provide you with judgement-free support and understanding and can also help with referrals if you decide you want professional support.
Relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, mindfulness or yoga can help reduce stress, anxiety, and negative thinking.
Guided imagery might help get you out of your head and away from thoughts of self-harm. Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a calm and peaceful environment, such as a beach or a rainforest. Visualise the sights, sounds, and smells of this environment, and focus on relaxing your body.
Writing about your feelings in a journal or on a piece of paper can help you process your emotions and release some of the tension you may be feeling.
Find a quiet and comfortable space where you can write without distractions and write without self-judgement. Try your hardest to write honestly and openly. Don’t worry about spelling, grammar, or punctuation and try not to censor your thoughts or feelings.
Research has shown that ‘if you can name it, you can tame it’ - by simply putting words to how we’re feeling, it can take some of the power out of those feelings, and reduce that ‘overwhelm’ feeling that sits on top of everything else.
Challenge negative thoughts with positive affirmations or self-talk. For example, you can tell yourself, "I am strong, and I can get through this," or "I am worthy of love and care."
Surround yourself with calming sights, sounds, and smells, such as a scented candle, a cosy blanket, or calming music.
Substances like alcohol and drugs can lower your inhibitions and make you more likely to self-harm. So don’t keep alcohol or drugs in the house. Managing substance use can be a difficult and ongoing process, but we have tips for managing in the short term, and suggested long-term solutions.
Take care of yourself by eating healthy meals, getting enough sleep, exercising and moving your body, spending time in nature, connecting with others, and engaging in activities that you enjoy.
If you're struggling with self-harm, it's important to talk to a mental health professional. They can work with you to develop a plan that will help you deal with your feelings and take control of your self-harming. Here are some mental health professionals you can talk to:
- Your family doctor can help you and refer you to a mental health specialist. Ask for a Mental Health Treatment Plan when you visit.
- A school counsellor can help you if you're still at school.
- You can connect with a mental health professional online or over the phone via telehealth if you’re unable/prefer not to attend in person.
- You can always contact Lifeline and speak with one of our crisis support workers who will listen to you and be able to help you find appropriate resources in your area.
While these short-term strategies can be helpful for some people, they may not work for everyone. It's okay if you haven't found the right approach for you yet. Recovery is a process, and it can take time to find the tools and resources that work best for you.
If you're struggling, it's important to reach out for support and not try to face this alone. Reaching out to someone about self-harm can be scary, but it can also be a step towards getting the support you need. If you don't feel comfortable talking to someone you know, consider reaching out to a mental health professional, or Lifeline.
Remember that you are not alone in your struggle. Surround yourself with people who care about you and who can help you when you're struggling. Focus on taking small steps forward, celebrating your progress, and being patient with yourself along the way. With patience, perseverance, and the right support, you can overcome self-harm and learn to live a happy, healthy life.
Click here to download, save, or print our self-harm fact sheet.
Long-term strategies for managing urges to self-harm
If you have relied on self-harm as your go-to coping tool for a long time, it can be hard to imagine ever stopping it. But many people who have used self-harm in the past have learned better ways to cope, and you can too.
Besides learning new coping tools, it’s also important to address any deeper emotional problems you may be struggling with. Treating the root cause of self-harm will help you heal fully and prevent you from self-harming again in the future.
Here are some strategies that may be helpful.
Supporting Yourself
The first step to stopping self-harm is to become more aware of it, including what triggers it. The next time you feel the urge to harm yourself, try this:
- In a journal or on your phone, note down what was going on just before you had the urge to harm yourself
- What were you thinking and feeling when you felt the urge? Note down any thoughts, feelings, or bodily sensations you experienced.
- Then, look for any links between the situation, and the feelings, bodily sensations, and thoughts that came up. Did some situation trigger your thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations? Do you see any link between what you were thinking and how you felt?
Try this activity for at least a week and see if any patterns come up. Maybe staying home alone for long periods of time is a trigger for you, or maybe it’s scrolling through social media. Triggers are personal, so what might give you the urge to self-harm won’t be the same for someone else.
When you know your triggers, you can choose to respond or prepare for them better. For example, if you know that staying home alone for long periods of time is a trigger, you can plan more activities with friends. If you know that scrolling through social media is a trigger, you can limit your social media time or take a complete social media detox. If a relationship with a friend is encouraging you to self-harm, then perhaps consider stepping back from the relationship, or set boundaries that healthier for your wellbeing.
It can be hard to figure out your triggers on your own, so don’t be discouraged if you battle with this activity. If you need more help, it’s worth looking into therapy. A psychologist will work closely with you to help you become more self-aware.
Engaging in self-care practices such as exercise, meditation, or creative expression can help to manage stress and promote emotional wellbeing. Developing a routine that incorporates self-care practices can be an important part of maintaining long-term healing.
Self-care practices are important for anyone, but especially for those who struggle with self-harm. Here are some self-care practices that may help:
- Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion. Remember that it's okay to make mistakes and that you're not alone in your struggles
- Get enough sleep: Getting enough sleep is essential for your mental health. Try to establish a regular sleep schedule and stick to it
- Exercise: Exercise is a great way to reduce stress and improve your mood. Find an activity that you enjoy, such as walking, yoga, or swimming and aim for at least 30 minutes per day
- Eat a balanced diet: Eating a balanced diet can help improve your mood and energy levels. Try to eat a variety of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins
- Spend time in nature: Spending time in nature has been shown to have a calming effect and reduce stress levels. Take a walk in a park or spend time in a garden
- Avoid drugs and alcohol: Drugs and alcohol can make it harder to cope with difficult emotions and may increase the risk of self-harm. Avoid using these substances.
- Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment and paying attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgement. Try practising mindfulness through meditation or deep breathing exercises.
- Engage in activities you enjoy: Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment, such as reading, drawing, or listening to music.
- Connect with others: Maintaining social connections is important for good mental health. Reach out to friends and family, join a club or group, or volunteer in your community.
It's important to remember that self-care is not selfish, but it’s necessary for your mental health and wellbeing. Incorporating self-care practices into your daily routine can help you manage difficult emotions and reduce the risk of self-harm.
Having healthy relationships with friends, family, or a romantic partner can be a long-term way to overcome self-harm. It's because these relationships give you stability, support, and a feeling of belonging. When you feel isolated or lonely, it's easy to turn to self-harm to cope with your emotional pain or get attention.
But with healthy relationships, you can safely express your feelings and get the help you need. Over time, as you build stronger relationships, you might be less likely to self-harm. Also, healthy relationships can give you purpose and joy in life.
- Think about what you need from a relationship, like trust and respect
- Set boundaries to keep yourself safe and avoid harmful situations
- Be open and honest when you communicate with others
- Work through problems in a respectful way
- Give relationships time to develop and grow
- Try to meet new people and make social connections
- Consider therapy to work on relationship skills and address any issues that might be getting in the way.
Remember, healthy relationships take time and effort to build and maintain. It's important to prioritise relationships that are supportive and positive for your mental health and wellbeing.
Substance use can be a risk factor for self-harm, so addressing any substance use issues can be an important part of long-term management. Managing substance use can be a difficult and ongoing process, but we have tips for managing in the short term, and suggested long-term solutions.
Remember, managing substance use is a process that requires time and patience. It's important to prioritise your mental and physical health and seek support as needed.
Accessing support groups can be an effective way to find support and connect with others who have experience with self-harm. Here are some ways to access support groups for self-harm:
- Online support groups and forums: There are many online support groups and forums specifically for self-harm where you can connect with others who have similar experiences. These groups can be accessed from anywhere, and forums can be accessed at any time.
- In-person support groups: Some communities have in-person support groups for people who struggle with self-harm. You can check with your local mental health centre or hospital to see if there are any groups in your area.
- Therapy groups: Many psychologists offer group therapy specifically for people who struggle with self-harm. This can be an effective way to get support and learn new coping skills.
- Peer support: Some organisations offer peer support programs, where you can connect with others who have experience with self-harm. These programs may include one-on-one support or group meetings.
Accessing support groups can be a helpful way to find support and connect with others who have similar experiences. It's important to find a group that is a good fit for you and that meets your specific needs. Don't be afraid to try out different groups until you find one that feels right.
You can use the Lifeline Service Finder to search for local support groups near you.
'I thought that I would never be able to get better, but I gradually did. And it got brighter for me.'
Getting help from others
Working with a psychologist who has experience in treating self-harm can be a helpful way to explore the underlying emotional issues that may be contributing to your behaviour. Here is what you should expect from your therapy:
- A safe and supportive environment: A psychologist should create a safe and supportive environment where you can explore your feelings without judgement.
- A personalised treatment plan: A psychologist should work with you to develop a personalised treatment plan that addresses your unique needs and challenges.
- Identification of triggers and coping strategies: A psychologist should work with you to identify the triggers that may be contributing to your self-harm behaviour and help you develop coping strategies to manage those triggers
- Emotional regulation skills: A psychologist should help you develop skills to regulate your emotions and manage distressing feelings in a healthy way
- Addressing underlying issues: A psychologist should help you identify and address any underlying mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, that may be contributing to your self-harm behaviour
- Supportive care: A psychologist should provide supportive care throughout your treatment and help you build a support network of family and friends who can provide additional support.
Remember, working with a psychologist for self-harm requires patience and a willingness to be open and honest about your feelings. It's important to find a psychologist you feel comfortable with and who has experience in treating self-harm. With time and support, it's possible to manage self-harm and develop healthier ways of coping with difficult emotions.
Reaching out to a trusted friend or relative about self-harm can be a difficult step, but it can also be an important one. Here are some things to keep in mind when talking to someone about self-harm:
- Choose someone you trust: It's important to choose someone you feel comfortable talking to and who you trust to support you
- Pick the right time: Choose a time when you can talk privately without distractions or interruptions
- Be honest: Be honest and open about your feelings and your self-harm behaviour. Share with them what triggers your self-harm and what you need in terms of support
- Ask for help: Ask for their help and support in finding resources or getting professional help. They may be able to help you find a psychologist or other mental health professional
- Set boundaries: Let them know what kind of support you need and what you're not comfortable with. If they say something that triggers you or is not helpful, let them know
- Be prepared for different reactions: Some people may react with shock or fear, while others may be more understanding. Be prepared for different reactions and be patient with them.
It's important to acknowledge that everyone's experience with self-harm is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. That's why researchers and mental health professionals are continually exploring new strategies and approaches to help individuals overcome self-harm.
If you feel discouraged by the long-term strategies you've tried, or these don’t resonate with you right now, remember that there are always new strategies and techniques being developed that could be helpful for you. And know that there are people around you who care about you and want to support you.
By reaching out for support, and continuing to explore different approaches, you can find the tools that work best for you. Focus on taking small steps forward, celebrating your progress, and being patient with yourself along the way. Remember that you are strong, and with the right support and tools, you can overcome self-harm and live a happy and healthy life.
Click here to download, save, or print our self-harm fact sheet.
Tools and apps for managing urges to self-harm
Connect with support services for the treatment and prevention of self-harm
If you have self-harmed and have physical injuries that require immediate medical attention, please call 000 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room right away. If you’re unable to access a doctor or hospital, you can contact HealthDirect’s 24/7 Health Advice Line to speak to a registered nurse on 1800 022 222.
It's important to prioritise your physical health and safety, and seeking immediate medical attention can help prevent further harm or complications. Don't hesitate to call for help or ask someone else to call for you if you need it.
Search for more services
Use the Lifeline Service Finder to search for more local and national services available to help support you.
Understanding self-harm and how you can help
It can be hard to recognise self-harm in a loved one because they will often try to hide their injuries. They might hurt themselves in hard-to-see places, like their inner thighs, or they might try to cover up their injuries with clothing.
Although it can be hard to spot self-harm, here are some warning signs to watch out for in your loved ones:
- They wear long clothing and cover up when the situation doesn’t call for it, such as during summer when it's very warm
- You notice strange marks on their body, such as cuts, burns, or scratches
- They have been very self-critical
- They talk about feeling bad and deserving of punishment
- They seem emotionally overwhelmed — they might get teary-eyed often, have mood swings, or have a short temper
- They are more withdrawn than usual — they aren’t spending much time with friends or doing activities they used to enjoy
- They talk about their friends or others self-harming.
How to open up a conversation with an adult loved one who is self-harming
If you think that an adult loved one is self-harming, you may feel confused and worried. You may not understand why they’ve intentionally hurt themselves, making it hard to know what to say. However, what you say is not as important as how you say it. What your loved one really needs is to feel supported, understood, and cared for.
- Start by expressing your concern for their wellbeing and explain that self-harm is a serious issue that needs to be addressed.
- Listen without judgement, and validate their feelings and experiences.
- Let them know that seeking medical help is a crucial step in getting the support and care they need.
- Emphasise that seeking help is not a sign of weakness or failure, but rather a brave and proactive step towards healing.
- Offer to help them find a doctor or mental health professional who is experienced in treating self-harm.
- Remind them that early intervention and treatment can make a significant difference in their recovery.
It is important to:
- Remain calm. If you’ve just found out that a loved one is self-harming, your emotions might be running high. If that’s the case, wait until you’ve calmed down before talking to them. You want to show kindness and compassion rather than anger, disappointment or judgement. Let them know you’re talking to them from a place of concern and caring.
- Be curious. If you remember to be curious when speaking to a loved one, you will avoid coming across as judgemental. Focus on asking about their feelings instead of the self-harm itself. They will feel more understood if you connect with and acknowledge their emotions.
- Let them know you’re there for them, and if they’re open to it, help them seek professional help. It’s important to let your loved one know they can reach out to you for support if they need to. Although you shouldn’t force them to seek professional help, you should let them know that the option is there. If they agree to seek professional help, you can offer to explore different options with them.
- "I understand that it may be difficult to talk about, but I care about you and want to help you get the support you need."
- "I'm here for you and I want to support you in any way that I can. Let's talk about how we can get you the help you need."
- "I know that it can be scary to reach out for help, but you don't have to go through this alone. I'm here to support you and we can work together to find the right resources for you."
- "It takes a lot of strength to ask for help, and I'm proud of you for taking this step. Let's work together to find a compassionate and caring doctor who can help you with your self-harm."
- "I can only imagine how difficult this is for you, but I want you to know that I'm here to support you and help you find the care that you need. You deserve to feel safe and supported."
How to open up a conversation with your child who is self-harming
If you’ve noticed that your child may be self-harming, it’s important to ask them about their injuries in a calm and curious way.
It’s best to let them know you’re concerned without yelling, getting overly upset, or threatening them, as this can make things worse and will likely intensify any guilt or shame they may be feeling.
Becoming upset when you find out your child is self-harming is a normal reaction. If you’ve already yelled or scolded your child, it might be helpful to explain that you did so because you care about them, don’t want to see them hurt, and were shocked when you learned they’d been hurting themselves. It’s never too late to show compassion, care and understanding.
Be curious. If you remember to be curious when speaking to a loved one, you will avoid coming across as judgemental. Focus on asking about their feelings instead of the self-harm itself. They will feel more understood if you connect with and acknowledge their emotions.
It’s also a good idea to gently encourage your child to let you take them to the doctor if they are self-harming. Although it may be difficult to broach the subject with your child, it's important to do so with compassion and care. Let your child know that you love and care about them and that seeking medical attention is an important step towards their healing and wellbeing, and you want to be by their side to support them.
If you plan on speaking to a doctor about your child’s self-harm without them being present, it's important that you communicate your intentions to your child beforehand. This shows respect for your child's privacy, builds trust, and allows them to have a say in their own treatment plan.
Below are some examples for how you can open up a conversation with your child about self-harm:
- "I noticed some marks on your skin, and I'm worried that you might be hurting yourself. I want you to know that I'm here for you and that I care about you deeply. Can you please talk to me about what's going on?"
- "I want you to know that you don't have to go through this alone. Whatever it is that you're dealing with, we'll work through it together. I'm here to listen and support you, and I won't judge you."
- "I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, but please know that I love you and want to help you in any way that I can. Can you tell me more about what's going on so that we can figure out how to move forward?"
- "I know that you might be feeling overwhelmed and that you might not know how to express what you're going through. But I want you to know that you can always come to me. We'll figure it out together, and I'll be here for you every step of the way."
- "I know that it can be hard to talk about these things, but I'm here to support you, no matter what. You don't have to hide anything from me. We can work together to find the help you need and get through this together."
There are some practical ways you can help your child cope with self-harm, for example:
- Go through the house, including their bedroom, and remove any items they could use to harm themselves, such as razor blades, scissors, and lighters.
- Lock away any medications that are not being used, as well as any alcohol.
- Talk to your child about how they’d like you to support them. Let them know you’re there for them when they want to talk, or schedule activities with them, such as going for a daily walk together.
Help them think of a list of healthy coping strategies they can use when they feel overwhelmed, like listening to music, painting, or having a warm bath or shower. We have more suggestions on short-term and long-term strategies too.
What to do if a loved one opens up to you about self-harm
If a loved one opens up to you about self-harm, it's important to listen to them with empathy and without judgement. Here are some simple steps you can take:
- Stay calm and be supportive. Let them know that you care about them and that you are there for them. Make sure they feel safe and heard.
- Validate their feelings. Acknowledge their pain and let them know that their feelings are real and important.
- Encourage them to seek professional help. Self-harm can be a sign of deeper emotional issues that may require professional help. Encourage them to speak to a doctor or mental health professional.
- Help them to find resources. Provide them with information about available resources, such as local mental health clinics, support groups, or crisis helplines. There are great tools specifically to manage self-harm, such as Calm Harm.
- Work together with your loved one to create a safety plan in case they feel overwhelmed or have the urge to self-harm again. This can include activities or coping mechanisms that help them distract themselves from the urge.
The majority of people who self-harm are not suicidal but use self-harm as a coping tool for managing intense emotions. There are some people who may be using self-harm as a way of expressing suicidal thoughts and may turn to suicide to cope if they feel they can't manage pain using self-harm anymore. If you’re concerned the person you’re caring for could be at risk of suicide, we have tips on how to have this conversation here, or if life is in danger, call 000.
Looking after yourself and your own mental health
It can be really hard to support someone struggling with self-harm. They may require extra attention or specific support, and this can significantly impact the people around them.
If you’re feeling distressed and overwhelmed, you are not alone. There are support services available for yourself and others who care for and/or support someone experiencing self-harm.
Remember, ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’. The best way you can care for someone else is to make sure you are okay first.
This might include:
It can be easier to support others if you’re not doing it alone. If there are other people that can support your friend or family member as well, it’s ok to ask for help. Just remember to get their permission first.
Having someone you can talk to about your experience as a carer can help you feel more supported and lighten the load you’re carrying. It can also help to feel more connected to others, and you might even pick up some skills or tips from other people in similar situations.
You might want to think about what is appropriate to share about the person you’re supporting or to just stick to how it’s impacting you.
It’s important to know what your limits are and to be able to communicate these to your friend or family member. This is especially true if you’re feeling worn out, are doing things you don’t feel comfortable doing, or have changed your mind about how you can help.
Healthy boundaries might include setting limits on:
- The practical things you have time and energy to help with
- When and where you’re able to help, chat, or support
- Prioritising your needs or the needs of other people you support as well.
Actively practise self-care
Being kind to yourself and prioritising self-care while caring for others is really important. You might feel frustrated, stretched, or even powerless, but adding shame or guilt to those emotions by criticising yourself will only make you feel worse.
It’s ok to reduce the expectations you’ve set for yourself and to take a break when you need it.
Research shows our diet can have a big effect on how we feel. Eating well doesn’t just make us physically healthier, but it can also help with our sleep, energy levels, and mood.
Our brains and bodies are linked, and exercise releases chemicals that boost our mood, including endorphins and dopamine.
To feel its benefits, you don’t have to engage in vigorous movement. Gentle exercise, like walking or yoga, creates the same mental health benefits, like running or high-intensity workout.
You might also like to combine the benefits of exercising with social connection by playing a team sport or simply going for a walk with friends.
It can be easy to reach for substances when you’re feeling low to make you feel better or escape those feelings in the short term. But drugs and alcohol can be harmful, especially when we’re already in a challenging mental state. Substances that alter our thought patterns can amplify any feelings of distress.
Research shows that being in nature can improve our mood. Connecting with the outside world is also a great way to reduce stress and worries by reconnecting with the world around you.
Creating a regular routine can work wonders. Sticking to a routine can:
- Promote healthy habits
- Combat or prevent burnout
- Relieve anxiety
- Boost motivation levels
- Make us feel a sense of accomplishment.
Sleeping well is important for good mental health, but taking on too much as a carer can have a negative effect on healthy sleep patterns.
Developing good sleep habits can help find the right balance.
These can include:
- Switch off your screens an hour before bed.
- Avoid alcohol and caffeine before bed.
- If you can’t sleep, get up & do something calming until you feel sleepy.
- Try to avoid napping during the day.
- Make sure your bedroom is cool, dark and quiet.
- Practise stress-reducing techniques, e.g., meditation, deep breathing.
You may find that engaging in regular exercise, eating a balanced diet and regular use of self-care tools like meditation can make sleeping easier.
Click here to learn why sleep is so important for our mental health.