What is financial stress?
5 minutes
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Support Toolkit
Relationships
Learn about the importance of healthy relationships and knowing when there’s a problem.
Understanding relationships
Relationships are one of the most important parts of being human. Not only do we rely on them for our mental and emotional wellbeing, we depend on them for our survival.
Just like having food and shelter are basic physical needs, feeling connected and loved are basic emotional needs.
Feeling connected isn’t about the number of friends you have, or how many people follow you on social media. It’s about how comfortable and supported you feel by the people in your life and how safe you feel in their presence.
- Feel a sense of belonging
- Develop healthy self-esteem
- Manage our stress levels
- Find support during tough times
- Lower anxiety and depression symptoms
- Prevent loneliness.
Studies show that if we feel more socially connected to our family, friends, and community, we are more likely to be happier, physically healthier, live longer, and experience fewer mental health challenges.
'Even though our need for social connection is important, it isn’t a reason to rush into or stay in a relationship that isn’t respectful, genuine, and most importantly, safe.'
Relationships that are continuously problematic or just don’t feel ‘right’, can make us:
- Sad
- Distressed
- Overwhelmed
- Lonely
- Experience low self-esteem.
Keep in mind that there’s no such thing as a ‘perfect relationship’.
We’re all going to have moments when we disagree with or feel hurt by a friend, family member, colleague, or intimate partner.
The key is knowing if and how the problem(s) should be solved.
Click here to download, save, or print our relationships fact sheet.
Common relationship problems
While any type of relationship can impact how we feel, our intimate relationships tend to have the biggest influence. This is why it can be so overwhelming when a relationship with a partner is continuously problematic or if it ends altogether.
If you’re experiencing problems, one of the first steps you can take when thinking about working on them or ending your relationship is understanding what a happy and healthy relationship looks like.
- Open and honest communication
- Mutual trust and respect
- Independence
- Mutually respected boundaries
- Shared values
- Space for difficult conversations
- Safe emotional and physical connection.
When something feels wrong in a relationship, it’s usually because one or more of the above has been damaged or is missing entirely.
Common relationship problems
Feeling unhappy or unsettled in your relationship can take a big toll on your mental health and wellbeing.
On top of potentially feeling sad, worried, or angry, relationship problems can also leave you feeling frustrated and confused because it’s not always easy to link your feelings to a specific cause.
A lot of things can cause problems in relationships, including past relationships, dishonesty, broken trust, financial stress, and communication challenges.
Scroll down to learn more about common relationship problems.
Our earliest relationships, especially the ones we formed with our parents or caregivers, play a big role in how we relate to others.
If we grow up without strong family connections, it can mean that we aren’t exposed to the skills and qualities it takes to maintain healthy relationships.
Early relationship role models can help us learn how to:
- Disagree respectfully
- Resolve disputes without anger
- Apologise if we regret how we behaved
- Express our feelings and needs
- Set and maintain boundaries.
The experiences we had in past intimate relationships can both positively and negatively influence our future relationships.
If the relationship was healthy and ended on good terms, you’ll likely take key learnings into your next one. If the relationship was problematic or ended suddenly, you may find yourself struggling to feel safe and secure.
For example, if you were cheated on in a previous relationship, you might have trust and jealousy concerns in your current one even if your partner hasn’t given you a reason to suspect they’re being unfaithful.
We can’t connect if we can’t communicate.
If people don't feel like they’re able to openly say what they need and want, it makes it hard for them to listen to what the other person needs and wants.
You don’t have to agree with what each other is saying, but you do need to make the effort to try and understand it.
In a relationship, poor communication can leave you feeling like:
- You’re not being heard or listened to
- Your thoughts and feelings are dismissed
- You can’t express yourself clearly
- You’re afraid to share your opinions and ideas
- You and/or the other person avoid difficult conversations
- There’s never a positive outcome or solution after a discussion or argument.
Boundaries are personal rules for how you expect to be treated. They're important because they help you recognise when someone goes too far.
When a boundary gets crossed, it can lead to relationship problems.
For example, say one of your boundaries is making sure your home is quiet after 8 pm because you like to get good sleep. One evening, your partner or roommate brings friends home after a late dinner. They’re speaking loudly, laughing, and playing music, which causes you to wake up. You’re frustrated with the other person because you’ve expressed how important sleep is to you and now feel like your boundary has been crossed.
Sharing your boundaries may feel awkward at first, but doing so is important for the future of your relationship.
Finances can be a significant source of conflict in a relationship. There may be differing views and habits surrounding money or financial stress.
For example, a couple might disagree on how much to save, what to spend money on, or how to manage debts.
Money can cause even bigger relationship problems if:
- You and your partner have significantly different incomes
- You and/or your partner are dealing with financial stress or problem gambling
- One partner has financial control over the other by limiting their capacity to earn or access money.
If issues such as financial stress, problem gambling, or financial abuse become too challenging, there are a range of support options available.
Codependency occurs when a person puts the needs of another before their own and, as a result, becomes emotionally, socially, financially, and/or physically reliant on the relationship.
For example, if your sole focus is ensuring your partner’s happiness, sense of self-worth, and professional success, codependency can look like:
- Allowing your partner to make all major decisions
- Constantly worrying about your partner’s happiness
- Feeling like you need to solve your partner’s problems
- Sacrificing your own personal and professional needs
- Not making time for self-care.
If you’re in a codependent relationship, it’s normal to experience low self-esteem, stress, and anxiety. It’s also normal to feel trapped and like there’s no way out.
It may be hard to believe it in the present moment, but there are ways you can improve or leave a codependent relationship.
It doesn’t matter if it is emotional or physical, one time or 100 times, cheating can be a very painful experience.
If you were the one who cheated, you may feel guilty, ashamed, and distressed. If you’ve been cheated on, you may feel hurt, angry, and confused.
All of these feelings and reactions are normal after experiencing cheating. You may also:
- Question your partner’s love and the time you spent together
- Question your self-worth and experience low self-esteem
- Feel lost and unsure if you should fight for the relationship or not
- Be too ashamed or embarrassed to reach out to anyone
- Experience isolation and loneliness.
Even though cheating is a completely valid reason to end a relationship, you may also choose to engage in a difficult conversation to try and work through the betrayal.
Remember, this is your journey and the decision about how you want to move forward is yours.
It doesn’t matter if it’s a temporary or a long-term arrangement, long-distance relationships can present many challenges.
Common long-distance relationship problems include issues like:
- Lack of physical and emotional intimacy
- Difficulty communicating (especially if you’re in different time zones)
- Jealousy and trust issues
- The cost of travelling to see each other
- Feeling like your life is ‘on hold’
- Impatience or frustration regarding plans to eventually live together.
Couples in FIFO (fly in, fly out) situations, or those who need to travel for extended periods, may experience many of these issues.
Click here for tips and advice to make your long-distance relationship work.
Domestic and family violence is responsible for a number of serious and never-acceptable relationship problems.
Recognising a domestic and family violence situation can be challenging, especially when you're the one being abused.
This is because those who choose to engage in domestic and family violence can deliberately:
- Make you feel like you deserve how you’re being treated
- Attempt to ‘normalise’ their behaviour
- Blame external factors, such as stress, substances, or you for ‘causing’ the abuse
- Convince you that the abuse was an isolated incident and won’t happen again.
A reliable indicator of any type of abuse is how you feel.
You may feel on edge, notice physical signs of stress, or find yourself withdrawing from the people and activities you used to care about.
It's not always easy to know if there's a problem with your relationship.
Visit our signs and effects page to learn about things you can look out for.
If you feel like you’re experiencing domestic and family violence, you deserve support and there are people who want to help.
You can call the Domestic and Family Violence Helpline on 1800 737 732 anytime. And remember, Lifeline is always here. If life is in danger, call 000.
Signs there might be a problem in your relationship
Remember, there’s no such thing as a ‘perfect relationship’.
It’s normal and healthy to experience challenges and conflicts that come with the ups and downs of life. However, it can become unhealthy when these challenges and conflicts occur frequently or last for extended periods.
Being aware of what it feels like to experience relationship problems can help you recognise them early. This way, you can approach issues as they come up and try to resolve them before they get worse.
When you’re in a healthy relationship, you should feel:
- Valued and respected
- Comfortable expressing your opinions
- Encouraged to try new things
- Free to have a life outside of the relationship
- Supported through challenging times
- Physically and emotionally safe.
What does an unhealthy relationship feel like?
An unhealthy or problematic relationship, on the other hand, can make you feel and notice a range of different emotions, thought patterns, and physical changes.
- Unwanted and unloved
- Disrespected and undervalued
- Isolated and lonely
- Irritable and angry
- Sad and hopeless
- Guilty and ashamed
- Worried and afraid.
'Just because you can’t explain the feeling you’re experiencing, doesn’t mean it isn’t valid.'
- Difficulty sleeping
- Changes in appetite
- Fatigue and brain fog
- Upset stomach
- Headaches or migraines
- Stiff neck and tense muscles
- Frequent cold and flu symptoms
- Changes to your hair and skin
- An irregular menstrual cycle.
Even though we tend to look to our minds for answers, our body often gives us signs that something isn’t right.
Remember, it’s both normal and healthy to experience negative emotions every now and then.
However, your relationship shouldn’t leave you feeling constantly bad, sad, worried, hopeless, or afraid.
In extreme cases, a problematic relationship can lead people to experience:
At Lifeline, we've supported many Australians who have experienced mental health challenges. If you’d like to connect with us, we are always here for you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via phone, text and chat.
If you’re feeling off and you’re not sure why, take some time to think about what that feeling might mean.
Sometimes, people convince themselves that things are all okay in their relationship, but still can’t shake a gut feeling that something’s wrong.
To gain clarity, you can try:
It’s also always okay to contact a support service for guidance.
If those aren’t options for you at the moment, you can contact Lifeline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Signs you're in an abusive relationship
It’s important to acknowledge that a problematic relationship isn’t the same as an abusive relationship. Abuse is a form of domestic and family violence.
You may be experiencing domestic and family violence if you're experiencing any of the following:
- Constantly worrying about how your partner will react to what you do or say
- Feeling like you have little control over where you can go and who you can see
- Having zero or limited access to money and/or not being allowed to work
- Being fearful of getting hurt or injured due to past physical abuse or threats of violence
- Believing you’re trapped and that there’s no way out
- Having frequent thoughts such as: ‘I can’t do anything right’ or ‘I want to leave, but I don’t know how’.
If you suspect you’re in a domestic and family violence situation, you deserve support and there are people who want to help.
If you feel like you’re in a domestic and family violence situation, you deserve support and there are people who want to help.
You can call the Domestic and Family Violence Helpline on 1800 737 732 anytime. And remember, Lifeline is always here. If life is in danger, call 000.
Signs there's a problem in your relationship with yourself
While it’s important to build healthy relationships with others, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself.
If you don’t feel like you like, trust, value, or believe in yourself, it can be difficult to have healthy relationships with others or leave an unhealthy relationship.
You may want to work on your relationship with yourself if you:
- Experience low self-esteem
- Don’t give yourself permission to practise self-care
- Always put the needs and wants of others above your own
- Use alcohol and/or substances to feel better.
We all have the right to feel good about ourselves and our relationships. It doesn’t matter how trapped, overwhelmed, or guilty you might feel.
It’s okay to know and say, ‘I deserve better.’
If you’re looking for ways to have healthy, ongoing relationships, you can visit our long-term help section.
Click here to download, save, or print our relationships fact sheet.
Working on your relationship in the short term
Relationships are a lot like jigsaw puzzles. Each person brings their own unique pieces, assembly strategy, experience, and level of commitment to the table.
Sometimes a ‘relationship puzzle’ comes together easily; both people like to start by finding all the edge pieces and won’t give up until they can see the complete picture.
Other times, the pieces can be more difficult to put together. This can be because one person cares more than the other, there are pieces that don’t seem to fit, or there are pieces missing altogether.
In the same way that it can take a lot of time and effort to complete a puzzle, relationships require patience, dedication, and cooperation to make them work.
On this page, you’ll find tips for:
- Managing emotions
- Seeking support
- Understanding why we stay
- Making tough decisions
- Having difficult conversations.
If you're looking for information on how to move forward after a relationship ends or ways to build healthy relationships, you can visit our long-term help page.
Scroll down to learn more.
Managing emotions
One of the ways we build and maintain healthy relationships is by having open and honest conversations about how we’re feeling and expressing what we need to feel safe, loved, respected, and secure.
These conversations can be really hard when the relationship has faced challenges and emotions are high. It’s normal to feel angry, scared, or worried about the other person’s reaction and feel a sense of desperation to get your point across.
Because our body’s natural stress response to perceived threats is fight, flight, or freeze mode, it’s also normal to find yourself mentally and physically overwhelmed by emotions.
- Storm away
- Slam doors
- Yell or use name-calling
- Say something you regret
- Shut down and say nothing.
Fight, flight, or freeze mode is the way our body responds when it thinks we are in a threatening situation. It is there to protect us, but can also make us overreact in situations that aren’t actually a threat.
For example, your brain might respond to a heated argument the same way it would if a bear entered your living room.
Our fight, flight, or freeze response is automatic, meaning it’s not something we consciously make happen. If our brain senses danger, it’s going to let us know (physically and emotionally) and we are going to do all we can to protect ourselves.
Below is a short video explaining the fight, flight, or freeze response.
Tips for managing emotions
Thankfully, there are ways you can manage your emotions, calm your body, and regain control in the moment.
When emotions are high, you can:
- Try to identify if you’ve gone into fight, flight, or freeze mode: If you have, ask yourself if your response is appropriate for your current situation. If it’s not, remind yourself that you’re safe, which will help your body calm back down.
- Name what you’re feeling: If possible, get clear on what it is you’re actually feeling. Sometimes we react defensively or become angry when we actually feel sad, hurt or unloved. Journaling is a great way to help you work out what you’re feeling and why.
- Pause before responding: Try to pause between your reaction and action. This can help you avoid saying something you might regret later and give you time to understand and express how you feel. For example, you can count down slowly from 30 or ask for 20 minutes to process the conversation.
- Take the conversation outside: Walking, nature, and being side by side with someone (rather than face-to-face) are three ways to reduce stress and feel better!
- Take deep breaths: Using a grounding technique like deep breathing can help calm your mind, lower your heart rate, and reduce muscle tension. An easy breathing exercise to try is box breathing. Watch the video below to try it now.
Reaching out for support
Finding ways to work through your relationship or deciding to leave your relationship isn’t something you have to do on your own.
In fact, asking a trusted friend for their honest opinion or bringing in an external third party (like a therapist) can help you see or realise things you might be missing or avoiding.
It can also be helpful to reach out to a relationship support service like Relationships Australia.
Keep in mind that it can be extremely hard to accept that something might be wrong in your relationship. It’s okay if you need time to reflect and think about what to do.
- Talking to someone you trust
- Seeing a psychologist
- Speaking with your partner about seeing a relationship counsellor
- Reaching out to a relationship support service.
Understanding why we stay
More often than not, our relationships are a really big part of our lives.
Losing them can feel like we are losing a part of ourselves. That’s why it makes sense if we struggle to give them up or accept that things are really over.
But the truth is - there are a lot of unhappy people staying in unhappy relationships when they don’t have to.
- Financial dependence: You might feel like you can’t leave because you don’t have enough money or earning capacity.
- Family pressure: If you have children, you might feel pressure to stay in a relationship or marriage ‘for the kids’.
- Stigma: You might feel embarrassed and/or ashamed by a relationship breakdown, separation or divorce.
- Religious/cultural norms: You might fear not being in a relationship and/or leaving a relationship due to the pressures and expectations from your community.
- Social norms: You might feel like you have to keep certain relationships ‘because they’re family’ or because you’re worried about reactions from peers.
Making tough decisions
It doesn’t matter what hurdle, roadblock, or guilt trip may lay in front of you, no relationship is ever worth sacrificing your mental and physical health and wellbeing.
Even though it might not always feel like it, you do have a choice and you deserve to choose what is best for your happiness and wellbeing.
Regardless of whether you decide to stay and work on your relationship, or make the difficult decision to leave, it probably won’t be easy, but you don’t have to do it alone. There are support services that can help.
- Attending couples counselling
- Contacting a free relationship counselling service like Relationships Australia
- Learning ways to have difficult conversations with your partner
- Getting help to leave a domestic and family violence situation.
Tips for having difficult conversations
Difficult conversations are an important way we create healthy relationships and work on or end unhealthy relationships.
It’s normal to want to avoid difficult conversations. They can be stressful and uncomfortable.
However, if you’re avoiding them because you don’t feel psychologically and/or physically safe to have a conversation with your partner, you may be experiencing domestic and family violence.
- Actively listen: Listen to understand the other person, and not just to respond. Try not to interrupt or respond before you have all the information.
- Validate their feelings: When someone feels understood, they're not only more likely to stay calm, but they’ll be able to listen better, too. You can try saying things like: ‘I get why you feel that way’ or ‘I can see this is hard for you’.
- Ask for what you need to feel heard: You can ask the other person to consider your side by saying, ‘Please think about where I’m coming from. Let's find a solution that works for both of us’.
- Avoid accusing or blaming: Using words that accuse or point fingers can make someone feel like they're in trouble. This often starts with ‘you’ and uses words like ‘never’ or ‘always.’ Saying things like, ‘You never listen’ can feel like an attack and make things worse.
- Use ‘I’ statements: One way to avoid accusing or blaming language is to express how you feel with ‘I’ statements. For example: Instead of: ‘You never do the dishes!’, you could try: ‘I feel like I’m not getting enough support at dinner time. Do you think you could help out by washing the dishes?’’
- Stay focused on the issue at hand: Sometimes we find ourselves arguing about one thing but it’s actually something else that we’re upset about. For example, you and your partner are arguing because they came home late. In reality, you feel like your partner hasn't been respecting you lately and this is another example of that. Taking time to journal your thoughts and feelings can help you see things more clearly. It’s also helpful to express that you feel hurt and suggest how things could go differently next time.
- Take accountability: Apologising for your actions can be tough because it can mean admitting you made a mistake, or facing uncomfortable emotions, like guilt. However, you can’t have a healthy relationship if you can’t take accountability. By demonstrating accountability, you’ll make it feel safe for the other person to be accountable, too.
- Knowing when you’re not getting anywhere: If emotions are too high or there are deeper communication issues beyond this interaction, you can always end the conversation or suggest having it with a third party or counsellor present.
To learn more tips for building healthy relationships or healing after a breakup, visit our long-term help page.
Click here to download, save, or print our relationships fact sheet.
Building healthy relationships for the long term
The connection we feel from our relationships is important for our mental and physical wellbeing.
This is why we want to make sure we’re working on building healthy relationships and letting go of those that are causing us unhappiness or harm.
Movies and social media can make us think that a healthy and happy relationship happens easily and doesn’t need to be worked on. In reality, healthy and happy relationships are the ones where both people continuously put in the effort to make it work.
This process can take a lot of time, effort, patience, and emotional commitment. In some cases, it may also require you to have difficult conversations and make tough decisions over and over again.
'Just because a relationship experiences problems from time to time, doesn’t mean it isn’t healthy.'
Conflict is normal and a key way we can learn and grow together. It’s when problems go on for too long that things can become unhealthy.
If you suspect you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you can learn about common relationship problems or read about some of the signs to look for.
If you feel like you’re in a healthy relationship but would like some help in making it better, have a look at our tips below.
On this page, you’ll find:
- Tips for building healthy relationships
- Tips for moving on after a relationship ends
- How to learn and grow from past relationships.
Scroll down to learn more.
Tips for building healthy relationships
Remember, the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. When you’re not feeling good about yourself or the world around you, it can be difficult to show up for someone else.
It doesn’t matter if you’re just starting a relationship, working through a relationship problem, or thinking about ending a relationship, you deserve to prioritise yourself.
This means:
- Prioritising self-care
- Protecting your self-esteem
- Setting and maintaining boundaries
- Asking for help if things become too much.
Techniques & Guides
7 minutes
read
Self-esteem and mental health
Self-esteem can impact every area of our lives, including our mental health. In this article, you'll learn what exactly self-esteem is, why it matters, as well as practical things you can do to start raising your self-esteem.
7 minutes
read
Helps with
Depression
Relationships
Nobody expects you to get things right 100% of the time. This includes how you respond to things and communicate with others.
One of the best ways to build healthy relationships is by learning and practising the way you communicate.
This can look like:
- Actively listening to understand how the other person is feeling
- Asking open-ended questions that allow you to get more information and insight
- Giving the other person your full attention and showing them respect
- Ensuring that you’re expressing your wants and needs.
Difficult conversations can be uncomfortable in relationships, but they’re necessary for us to be able to grow, resolve conflicts, and live in a way that feels right for both people.
In order to maintain and care for healthy relationships, you should be able to:
- Express your feelings and hope for the future to the other person
- Confront the other person about hurtful or harmful behaviour
- Let the other person know if they’ve crossed a boundary
- Share information that either positively or negatively impacts your relationship.
When you keep something that’s bothering you bottled up, it can fester and turn into anger or resentment. Alternatively, sharing what’s making us happy can create an even better connection.
When things feel rocky, it’s easy to focus on what’s wrong with the relationship.
A healthy and effective way to balance things back out is to revisit all the positive aspects of your relationship.
For example, you could:
- Write a list of why you’re grateful for the other person
- Look through photos of past positive memories and think about what made you so happy
- If it feels right for you, you can also take the opportunity to connect with the other person by sharing your gratitude list or looking at the photos together.
If you’re a man using abuse or violence in relationships and are here because you want to explore options for changing your behaviour, you may want to try the Better Man online program. It's free, self-led, and a positive first step.
Moving on after a relationship ends
It doesn’t matter if you had a relationship for 6 months or 60 years, when it ends it can feel like the hardest thing you’ve ever faced.
In some cases, when we lose a relationship, we can lose more than the connection with that person.
We can also lose things like our:
- Identity
- Social life
- Home
- Financial security
- Self-esteem
- Time with children.
Even if the relationship was unhealthy, it’s normal to feel a range of conflicting emotions when it ends. You might be relieved and feel ‘free’, while also feeling angry, sad, and like you’re grieving.
Grief, as all-consuming and uncomfortable as it can be, is a way to accept the closing of one chapter, be open to the next, and make sense of your new world.
'Grieving your relationship and the future you thought you were going to have is a healthy part of the healing process.'
If you don’t give yourself permission to take the time needed to heal and move forward, you may run the risk of ignoring or numbing your pain.
- Turning to drugs and alcohol or self-harming
- Distracting yourself with a new relationship
- Putting all of your energy into school or work
- Going back to an unhealthy relationship.
It can be hard to believe that you’ll ever feel better, but a combination of time, self-care, and seeking support will help you move forward and come out the other side.
When you’re hurting, it can impact your self-esteem and be difficult to think about what to do to feel better in the moment.
Having a personalised self-care box can be helpful. You can also speak to your GP about getting a Mental Health Treatment Plan if you feel like it’s not getting any better.
Techniques & Guides
6 minutes
read
Creating a self-care box
Self-care can help you cope with challenging times by ensuring your emotional, physical, and social needs are being met. In this article, we detail how having a self-care box can be a valuable mental health and wellbeing tool.
6 minutes
read
Helps with
Distress
Overwhelm
Thinking about future relationships
If you’re feeling strong enough, reflecting on past relationships can be a helpful way to learn, grow, and prepare for new relationships.
Reflecting can look different for everyone, but a few things you can consider are:
It can be helpful to think about:
- What worked in the relationship
- What didn’t work in the relationship
- What your needs are
- What your boundaries are
- How you best handle and respond to conflict.
As much as we need to feel connected to others, rushing into a new intimate relationship or staying in an unhealthy one is not as important as your emotional safety and wellbeing.
Remember, you can always build social connections that aren’t intimate.
If that doesn’t feel like an option for you at the moment, and you are feeling like you want to connect with someone, Lifeline is here.
Click here to download, save, or print our relationships fact sheet.
Tools and apps for relationships
Taking care of your mental health and wellbeing is the first step to having healthy relationships.
Below are tools and apps that can help you manage emotions, build connections, and gain clarity about your relationships.
Relationship support services
Below are support services that can help with managing relationship problems.
Search for more services
Use the Lifeline Service Finder to search for more local and national services available to help support you.
Understanding relationships and how you can help
Seeing a loved one in a problematic relationship or hurting after a relationship breakdown can be painful, frustrating, confronting, and in some cases, extremely concerning.
It can be difficult to know what to do, what to say, or if you can even help.
As challenging as it might be, staying connected and offering your support is really important if and when they decide to reach out.
If you’re concerned about a loved one’s physical or emotional safety ...
You may want to reach out to the Domestic and Family Violence Helpline on 1800 737 732 for guidance. If life is in danger, call 000.
Offering support
When a loved one confides in you about their relationship problems, it likely took a lot of courage for them to do so.
While you may feel protective or want to jump in with solutions, the best thing you can do is listen with an open mind, offer support without judgement or criticism, and ask them how to best help.
If your loved one is in or has come out of an unhealthy relationship, they may be experiencing low self-esteem and may:
- Stop prioritising and practising self-care
- Not feel capable of ‘surviving’ outside of the relationship
- Consider going back to the relationship out of fear
- Lose confidence and motivation
- Feel unworthy of love and fulfilment.
'One of the best things you can do to offer support is to build them up. Let them know they matter and that you care about them.'
Here are a few more things to keep in mind when you’re trying to help a loved one in or recently out of an unhealthy relationship:
It’s in our nature to want to fix things or take pain away, but more often than not, people really just want to be heard and have their feelings validated.
Instead of giving ‘solutions’, offering your opinion, or saying things like, ‘At least you have the rest of your life to find someone,’ try phrases like:
- ‘I can understand why you’re so upset.’
- ‘You must be exhausted from dealing with this.’
- 'This must be really difficult for you.'
If it feels appropriate, you can ask:
‘Would you like me to help you come up with a few ideas for what to do or would you like me to just keep listening?’
By asking the other person what they need, they’ll be able to guide you to the type of support they’re actually looking for.
Keep in mind that while it might be easy for you to see issues that may be occurring in your loved one’s relationship, and a clear way forward, people often need to come to conclusions in their own way and in their own time.
When communicating with your loved one, you can:
- Acknowledge that leaving a relationship is really hard
- Build up their self-esteem by reminding them of their strengths
- Reassure them that you’ll be there for them no matter what.
When someone you care about is experiencing major relationship problems, they might stop prioritising self-care.
Encouraging them to eat well, get enough sleep, exercise regularly, and maintain friendships can make a big difference to their mental and physical health and wellbeing.
Some ways you might be able to help:
- Drop off meals
- Go for a walk with them
- Offer to take something off their plate
- Suggest doing a hobby or activity they enjoy.
It’s also a good idea to be mindful of showing empathy, not sympathy.
Below is a short animation that does a great job explaining why.
Taking action
If it seems like your loved one is struggling to cope or you’re worried about their mental health, you can encourage them to reach out for professional support.
Keep in mind that this might involve having a difficult conversation with them. Try to approach the subject with care, respecting their feelings and trying to avoid putting pressure on them if they're not ready.
Even if it feels useless, let them know that you'll be there when they’re ready.
By reminding them of your presence and support, you’re setting up a safe environment for them to reach out when the time is right for them.
It may take a long time for them to turn to you, but if possible - keep reminding them that you’re there.
- Researching professional support options in their area
- Scheduling an initial appointment for them
- Accompanying them to their first appointment
- Listening to them and encouraging them throughout the process.
What to do if you're concerned about a loved one's safety
If you’re worried that your loved one might be experiencing domestic and family violence and are concerned for their safety, you can always call the Domestic and Family Violence Helpline on 1800 737 732 for guidance. If life is in danger, call 000.
Remember, abuse isn’t always physical and it can escalate quickly.
If you're feeling helpless about the situation, or are worried about breaching your loved one’s confidentiality, Lifeline is always here for you.
Remember, looking after others takes a lot out of you. It's okay to take time to make sure you're prioritsing and practising your own self-care.
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