Domestic and family violence (DFV) is a broad term used to describe any type of abusive behaviour in any relationship that’s manipulative, threatening or violent.
In most DFV situations, one person uses repeated patterns of abusive behaviour to gain power and maintain control over someone they’re close to.
It’s also common to hear terms like:
Domestic violence (commonly called intimate partner violence) is used to describe abuse between current or former partners, husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends or other people you live with or see often and have an intimate relationship with.
Family violence is used to describe abuse in family-like relationships. This can include parents, guardians, children, grandparents, siblings, extended family members or other people you consider family.
Domestic and family violence of any kind is never acceptable and it's never the fault of the person being abused. Everyone has the right to feel safe, supported, loved, and respected in their relationships.
If you're experiencing DFV, there are people who want to help. You can contact 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
When people think of domestic and family violence, they typically think of physical abuse like hitting, punching or choking.
However, domestic and family violence includes:
It’s important to remember that non-physical abuse is just as common as physical abuse, if not more.
In many cases, the other person’s non-physical abusive behaviour can be so deceptive that you might struggle to make the connection that what you’re experiencing is domestic and family violence.
The other person ...
To learn more about what domestic and family violence can look like, visit our DFV types page.
To learn more about how domestic and family violence impacts the way you feel, think, and act, visit our DFV signs and effects page.
If you’re experiencing domestic and family violence, you are not alone.
Anyone, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, age, religion, culture, and socio-economic status, can experience domestic and family violence.
However, it’s women and children who are significantly most affected in Australia.
In 2022-2023, there was a 30% increase in the number of women killed by a current or former intimate partner.
Because over 80% of Australians don’t report abuse or violence, these statistics can’t tell us the full extent of who and how many people are affected in our communities.
You could be ...
If you are in an abusive or violent relationship, it can take a toll on your mental health and wellbeing.
Often, the trauma you may experience as a result of the abuse can leave you with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and, in some cases, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
It's important to remember that help is available. If you’re worried that someone you care about is experiencing DFV, you can learn tips for offering support on our DFV information for friends and family page.
Domestic and family violence can affect anyone in any type of relationship.
If you think you’re experiencing domestic and family violence in any of your relationships, you can reach out to these support services to figure out next steps.
As always, Lifeline is here to help too. If life is in danger, call 000.
Because DFV nearly always involves the other person using a pattern of abusive behaviour to maintain control over you, it's common to get into the cycle of abuse.
If you see glimmers of hope that the abusive behaviour won't happen again, you may understandably still love or feel attached to the person who’s harming you. This is nothing to be ashamed of and is their fault, not yours.
Even if you’re mentally ready to leave, taking that first step can feel impossible. There can also be many hidden challenges that make leaving extremely scary and difficult.
Leaving an abusive relationship is always possible but can sometimes result in more danger, which is why your safety should come first.
It’s important to seek support and make a safety plan with organisations like 1800RESPECT or Full Stop.
You can find more guidance on safety planning on our DFV short-term help page.
Support is available regardless of your visa status.
For more information on Australia’s laws and your rights regarding domestic and family violence, you can visit the Department of Social Services website and download their Family Safety Pack.
It’s common to feel confused about whether or not you’re experiencing domestic and family violence.
This confusion happens because the other person may frequently use forms of psychological abuse like coercive control and gaslighting that can leave you questioning your sanity or feeling like you’re the one to blame.
If you’re unsure if you or someone you care about is experiencing DFV, you can:
Everyone deserves to feel safe, respected, and supported in their relationships.
If you’ve experienced or are experiencing abuse, it can sometimes be hard to even know what that means. That’s why it’s important to be able to recognise what domestic and family violence (DFV) behaviour can look and feel like.
Physical abuse like hitting, punching, and choking can be easy to identify, while non-physical abuse can be a lot less obvious because:
Even if you do recognise abuse and violence, it can be hard to accept and admit that it’s actually happening. It’s normal to want your relationship to feel good and work. It’s also normal to feel ashamed or afraid to ask for help.
But remember, there is nothing to be embarrassed about and there are people who can and want to help.
On this page, you’ll find information on:
Scroll down to learn more.
We all have moments when we get angry, lose our temper or say something we regret. It’s when this behaviour escalates and becomes repetitive that it can turn into domestic and family violence.
If you’re trying to recognise if you or someone you care about is experiencing domestic and family violence, it can be helpful to read about the different types of abuse.
DFV can involve physical abuse, however, it often also involves emotional abuse, coercive control, stalking, tech-based abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, spiritual abuse or come in the form of neglect. Almost always, it’s done to maintain power and control over you and to make it difficult to understand and explain what you’re experiencing.
It’s important to remember that the other person may not always start off being abusive. Often, they can start off charming, loving, and supportive. They can also be very good at acting this way in front of other people. When their behaviour changes, it tends to happen behind closed doors or away from others, making it difficult for you to explain what you’re experiencing.
Someone who is abusing you may:
A ‘red flag’ is a trait or action of someone that may indicate they might be or become abusive.
Keep in mind that 'red flags' can be extremely difficult to see when you're experiencing abuse. It is in no way your fault if you can't or didn't see them.
There are a number of factors that may increase the risk of someone using abuse or violence in their relationships.
For example, they may:
The most important thing to know is that if you’re experiencing domestic and family violence, you did not cause this yourself.
It is never the fault of the person being hurt or abused. We all deserve to feel safe, supported, and respected in our relationships and to have access to support.
For more information on what domestic and family violence can look like, visit our types of DFV page.
Being abused is never your fault.
If you feel like you’re experiencing domestic and family violence, you can contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for information and advice.
If that doesn’t feel like an option right now, Lifeline is here via 13 11 14, text, and chat. If life is in danger, call 000.
One of the best ways to understand if you’re experiencing domestic and family violence is by going off how you mentally and physically feel. Keep in mind that it’s common to have a range of different emotions, thoughts, and feelings when someone is being abusive towards you.
Some days, you might feel overwhelming sadness and helplessness. On other days, you might feel hopeful and believe things will get better.
Below, we’ve outlined some of the ways you might feel and some of the things you might find yourself doing if you’re in an abusive relationship.
Being in an abusive relationship can make you feel:
Abuse of any kind can have a big impact on both your emotional wellbeing and physical health.
If you’re experiencing abuse, you might:
Even though we tend to turn to our minds to figure out how we’re feeling, our bodies can also be great indicators that something isn’t right.
Even though the impact of abuse may be significant, infants and children don’t always respond in the same ways to stress and trauma that adults do.
If you’re concerned about a child and suspect they might be experiencing domestic and family violence, you can look for visible marks and injuries, as well as the common emotional warning signs listed below.
For a more in-depth look at domestic and family violence warning signs in infants and children by age, you can visit Relationships Australia.
A 2023 study found that 2 in 5 Australian children are exposed to DFV.
Research has also shown that exposure to abuse, violence, and an unstable home environment can impact children greatly, even if they aren’t being directly abused.
As a result, a child witnessing domestic and family violence is now recognised as child abuse in some Australian states and territories.
Abusive behaviour in the home can:
The longer children are exposed to domestic and family violence, the greater their risk for ongoing mental health challenges and conditions like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, alcohol and substance misuse and self-harm.
It’s not your fault if you and your children are living in an abusive environment. You all deserve support. Remember, leaving may be the safest option for you all.
Help is available.
1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) counsellors are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for information and advice. And remember, Lifeline is here via 13 11 14, text, and chat too.
If you’re looking for tips to help someone you care about, visit our DFV information page for friends and family here.
Scroll down to continue learning about the impacts of DFV.
Abusive relationships tend to follow a confusing and deceptive pattern of behaviour. This can make it extremely difficult to understand what’s happening and explain why it feels so hard to leave.
Often referred to as the cycle of abuse, this pattern consists of four phases and can feel like:
This cycle of abuse can happen over and over again. And the more the pattern occurs, the harder it is to break.
Because the other person may have undermined your ability to see that you can break free from the abuse, you might feel stuck, confused, and trapped.
Remember, none of this is your fault, it is possible to break free from the cycle, and there are people who want to help.
Understanding common patterns of behaviours associated with domestic and family violence - like the cycle of abuse - can help you recognise it better.
Visit our DFV short-term help page for more information on how to stay safe and leave an abusive relationship.
Experiencing domestic and family violence can impact and affect every area of your life.
On top of it taking a toll on your mental health and emotional wellbeing, being in an abusive relationship can make it difficult for you to get or hold down a job, raise children in a safe environment, overcome an illness or have healthy relationships with others.
The impact on your other relationships is particularly harmful because being connected to others is what can keep you safe and get you out of an abusive relationship.
Abusive relationships can affect your connections with other people in your life in the following ways:
It is common to experience low self-esteem as a result of abuse. This can be a barrier when building new and healthy relationships. You can find out how to improve your self-esteem here.
One of the relationships that domestic and family violence can damage the most is the one you have with yourself. When you experience abuse and violence, it makes sense if your self-esteem feels like it’s not at its best. This is not your fault.
Remember, a key way the other person gains control is by making you feel weak, incapable, worthless, and dependent on them for everything.
It can be hard to find the strength to leave and heal after an abusive relationship if you don’t feel good about yourself, confident in your abilities or believe that you deserve healthy relationships.
Low self-esteem can also make it hard to take care of your mental health and wellbeing. While low self-esteem isn’t a mental health condition itself, it can lead to conditions like anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and suicidality.
There are ways that you can work on rebuilding your self-esteem and it’s important to do so.
Domestic and family violence (DFV) can be a confusing term because abuse isn’t always physical or violent. For example, the other person might limit your access to finances, prevent you from contacting family and friends or leave you feeling like you aren’t able to support yourself.
When abuse is physical or violent, it’s nearly always accompanied by other types of abuse. For example, someone physically abusive might also belittle you in front of others, monitor your private messages or put rules around what you can do and when.
It’s helpful to understand what the different types of abuse can look like so you can spot the signs of domestic and family violence.
On this page, you’ll find information on:
Scroll down to learn more.
Emotional abuse (also referred to as psychological abuse), is when someone intentionally says or does non-physical things to make you feel unimportant, humiliated, degraded, ashamed, and incompetent.
For example, someone who is emotionally abusive might:
Verbal abuse is similar to emotional abuse, however, it typically involves yelling, name-calling, belittling, using hurtful, threatening or controlling language or giving you ‘the silent treatment’.
Yes. Narcissistic abuse is when someone constantly uses words and actions to manipulate and control your behaviour and emotional state.
People who engage in this type of emotionally abusive behaviour:
This form of abuse often includes coercive control and gaslighting.
Coercive control is when someone intentionally tries to dominate, control, and manipulate you by using a range of emotional abuse tactics aimed at lowering your self-esteem as well as undermining your independence and freedom.
This can look like:
Abusers typically gain control through a slow and deliberate process. It’s often really hard to recognise because it happens over time.
At first, the person is kind, respectful, or even over-the-top loving.
‘Love bombing’ is a common manipulation tactic used to build an emotional connection and gain trust. This can look like someone saying they’re interested in the same things you are (even though they’re not), constant attention, generous compliments, and promises of a bright future together. It can also look like someone wanting to move in together or start a family quite quickly.
Next, they begin to display their true self.
Once you’ve become emotionally connected, they may start behaving in ways that are controlling. For example, they might start strategically telling you that you’re too good for your job or that your family and friends are ‘toxic’ and that you ‘deserve better’. As a result, you start pulling away from your source of income and support system.
The more isolated you become, the more control they can have over every aspect of your life.
The goal of coercive control is to make you feel worthless, isolated, and reliant on them for all of your basic needs: food, shelter, money, social connection, etc. They may monitor where you go, who you see, who you speak to on the phone, and who you message online. This behaviour may also escalate into stalking.
Finally, they start using threats and fear to keep you trapped.
In extreme cases, they may resort to acts of physical or sexual violence to maintain control. They may even threaten to take your life or their own if you try to leave.
It is a very common experience to feel ashamed when you start to realise you have been or are being coercively controlled. Often, we hear 'How did I not see it?' or 'What is wrong with me that I let that happen?'.
It’s important to know that it is not your fault. The other person uses this as a manipulative way to control you and you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.
Are you a man concerned about your behaviour?
If you’re a man using controlling behaviour in relationships and are here because you want to explore options for changing your behaviour, you can contact Don't Become That Man (1300 243 413) between 2pm and 7pm Monday to Friday.
Gaslighting is when someone maintains power and control by making you question and doubt your memory, judgement or sanity through psychological manipulation tactics.
These include but are not limited to:
When you’re being gaslit, it can leave you feeling like you’re living all alone in another world. You may feel convinced that those around you think you’re ‘unstable’ or ‘strange’, just like the abuser wants you to believe.
As a result, you might be struggling to know whether or not what you’re experiencing is actually gaslighting.
One of the best indicators that someone is gaslighting you is how you feel.
Recognising gaslighting behaviour is important in rebuilding and protecting your self-esteem and independence.
By regaining your confidence, it can be easier to reach out for support for getting out of the abusive relationship.
If you’re questioning whether or not you’re experiencing coercive control or gaslighting, it’s important to lean on others.
Remember, the other person's goal is to make you doubt yourself. Speaking with an 1800RESPECT counsellor who understands gaslighting behaviour or someone you trust can help you figure out the best way forward.
If you don’t feel like you have someone to call at the moment, you can contact Lifeline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via 13 11 14, text, and chat.
If life is in danger, call 000.
Stalking is when someone repeatedly contacts, harasses, follows or monitors you in a way that makes you feel uneasy, afraid or unsafe. These behaviours are usually intended to cause you to feel like you have no power or control.
Stalking often occurs after an intimate or family relationship has ended but can also occur when you’re still in a relationship.
In some instances, you might not know the full extent of how you’re being monitored by the person stalking you. You may not even be aware it’s happening.
No matter the circumstance, being stalked can be distressing and extremely dangerous because a stalker’s behaviour often gets more intense over time and can escalate quickly.
The other person ...
The other person ...
Being stalked can be a confusing experience and leave you with thoughts like ‘Maybe it’s just a coincidence that they’re here’ or ‘Will the police even believe me?’
It might not feel like it right now but there are people who can help and who want to help. And no matter what your stalker has made you believe, it’s not your fault.
When in doubt - trust your gut. No matter how subtle the behaviours might feel, you must take action if you think you’re being stalked. In Australia, stalking is considered a form of domestic and family violence and is a criminal offence.
You can take action by:
Tech-based abuse (also referred to as cyber abuse) is when someone uses the Internet or other electronic means to gain power and control over you.
Tech-based abuse can look different for everyone but can involve the other person:
Click here to learn more about how technology can be used in DFV.
Physical abuse is when someone intentionally hurts you by causing harm to any part of your body. This type of abuse can lead to minor or serious injuries, and in extreme cases, death.
Physical abuse frequently involves hitting, kicking, shoving, and choking. However, someone physically abusing you may also:
It doesn’t matter how someone is physically abusing you or what they’re saying to justify their actions, it’s never okay.
It’s also quite common for someone who's physically abusive to apologise for their behaviour and promise to never do it again. This pattern can lead to a cycle of abuse. Learn more on our DFV signs and effects page.
Sexual abuse is when someone makes you engage in sexual acts you’re not comfortable with or without your consent.
For example, someone sexually abusive might:
Sexual abuse can happen to anyone and isn’t always between intimate partners. For more information on what a healthy sexual relationship should look like, you can visit Beyond Silence.
Financial abuse (also referred to as economic abuse) is when someone withholds your access to money, controls the way money is spent within and out of the household, and/or refuses to include you in financial decisions.
Financial abuse can occur for many reasons, however, the other person typically uses it as a way to gain or maintain control.
For example, someone who is financially abusive might:
Financial dependence is one of the most common reasons people struggle to leave an abusive relationship.
It might feel impossible to leave when your financial security is dependent on staying. However, there are people and support services who can help you find financial support.
You can watch the video below to learn more about financial abuse.
Spiritual abuse (also referred to as religious abuse or cultural abuse), is when someone uses spiritual, religious or cultural beliefs to control, intimidate, or hurt you and/or your family members.
For example, someone who's spiritually abusive might:
These include things like female genital mutilation (FGM) and forced marriage.
For more information on Australia’s laws regarding domestic and family violence, you can visit the Department of Social Services website and download their Family Safety Pack.
Elder and child abuse is any type of abuse (emotional, controlling, stalking, physical, tech-based, sexual, spiritual, and financial) directed at someone aged 65+ or 18 and under.
Elder and child abuse can also look like:
These groups are more vulnerable because they are more likely to depend on the other person for food, shelter, hygiene, physical health, money, transportation and social connection. When these needs aren’t met, this is called neglect.
Neglect is the most common form of child abuse. For those 65+, the most common form of abuse is financial.
If you or someone you care about is experiencing elder or child abuse, there are people who can help.
Below are three DFV support services that can provide information and advice. If life is in danger, call 000.
Click here to learn how to report suspected child abuse or neglect in your state or territory.
Help is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
If you or someone you care about is experiencing domestic and family violence, there are people who want to help.
Contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for DFV information and advice. If that doesn't feel like an option right now, you can always connect with a Lifeline crisis supporter via 13 11 14, text, and chat.
If life is in danger, dial 000.
Whether you’re still in an abusive environment, are trying to leave or have already left, safety should be your number one priority.
Domestic and family violence (DFV) can be unpredictable and can escalate at any moment. It’s important to know ways you can stay safe right now and in the long term.
On this page, you’ll find information on:
Scroll down to learn more.
Safety planning means putting together a checklist of actions you can take and people you can reach out to when you feel unsafe or need to leave quickly.
One of the most important parts of safety planning is making an escape plan. While your escape plan may differ depending on your circumstances, it's important to think about things like what to do if you need to leave quickly.
1800RESPECT recommends creating a safety plan with a support service such as theirs or FULL STOP (1800 385 578).
Deciding to leave an abusive relationship is a brave step towards a better life.
As this can be one of the most dangerous periods of time, it’s important that you do what’s possible to keep yourself safe.
Here are some ways you can stay safe after leaving:
If you need to leave quickly or call for help, it's important that people know your background and can offer the right support.
You could inform a:
If it feels safe, you may want to give them copies of important documents like birth certificates, passports, ID, money, and any evidence of abuse.
If the other person has keys or keypad codes to enter the property you're staying in, it's important to change locks and change codes. If possible, get an alarm system installed.
If you have a phone:
Be careful who you share your new contact information with and ask them not to share your details with anyone else.
It can also be helpful to make sure your address isn't listed on statements or accounts that the other person might be able to access.
Protecting your online activity is critical for safety, especially if you're experiencing tech-based abuse or being stalked.
Look for and delete any apps or software that track your location on your phone or in your car.
For help, you can visit the eSafety website and do a technology check-up on your phone, tablet, and computer. They also have an online safety checklist that can help if you’re experiencing tech-based DFV.
You might also find this Women’s Technology Safety & Privacy Toolkit helpful.
If you're worried about stalking and your physical safety, alter the route you drive to work or where you socialise so the other person can’t predict where you’ll be.
If you haven’t already gotten a protection order, you can consider applying for one. This ensures the other person can be arrested and charged if they try to contact or approach you. If you ever feel like you're in immediate danger, call 000.
For advice on how to emotionally heal and build healthy relationships after leaving an abusive relationship, visit our long-term help for relationships page.
When the other person is trying to exert power and maintain control over you, they can use coercive control and stalking behaviours such as monitoring your physical location, online movements, and bank accounts to take away your independence.
As society continues to get increasingly tech-savvy every day, we are seeing more instances where tech-based abuse plays a role in domestic and family violence.
Below, you’ll find resources from eSafety that can help you regain control of your devices and bank accounts.
No matter where you are in your journey, it’s always a good idea to regularly review your online safety.
You can visit the eSafety website to learn how to:
Alternatively, you can download a PDF of eSafety’s Online Safety Checklist.
Evidence of online DFV behaviour can include things like:
Even though collecting evidence is important for police and courts to have, it is always important that you put your safety first.
Click here to read eSafety’s tips for safely collecting evidence.
In Australia, each state and territory has laws that cover tech-based domestic and family violence.
Click here to find your local police station as well as tips for how you can prepare before contacting them.
Keep in mind, you can report tech abuse that involves seriously harmful content to eSafety who may be able to have it removed. You can learn more about reporting to eSafety here.
One of the biggest hurdles you may face after leaving a domestic and family violence situation is finding a place to stay and accessing legal help. This does not mean you need to return to the abusive relationship. There is help available.
If you’re looking for emergency accommodation, you can call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) and ask to be put in touch with crisis accommodation services in your area.
After leaving an abusive relationship, you may also need legal help with things like getting a protective order, filing for divorce, organising child custody and child support agreements, and other important matters.
In Australia, some organisations provide these services for free to those who have experienced domestic and family violence. The government website, Family Violence Law Help, can help you find free legal assistance in your state or territory.
For more ways you can learn how to stay safe during and after an abusive relationship, you can:
If you’re a man using abuse or violence in relationships and are here because you want to explore options for changing your behaviour, you can contact Men’s Referral Service (1300 766 491) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s free, confidential, and a positive first step.
Whether you’ve just left a domestic and family violence (DFV) situation or you’re still healing from a past abusive relationship, it’s normal to feel mixed emotions. You may feel a sense of safety, relief, and freedom while also feeling overwhelmed, anxious, traumatised, lonely, and uncertain about the future.
The important thing to remember is that whatever you're feeling right now - your emotions are valid and entirely understandable.
You also don’t have to figure everything out on your own. Healing and moving on after experiencing domestic and family violence can take a lot of time and will look different for everyone.
On this page, you’ll find information on:
Scroll down to learn more.
Deciding to leave an abusive relationship takes a huge amount of strength, courage, and more often than not, help from others. Not only is your physical safety a concern, so is your emotional wellbeing.
Creating a support system of trusted friends, family members, organisations like 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732), and other mental health services that feel right for you can help you find stability, safety, and set you up for a more connected and supportive future.
In a practical sense, you can lean on your support system to help with things like finding housing, getting DFV legal advice, and if applicable, helping with children when you need to attend to matters to work towards your future.
In terms of your mental health, a strong support system can help you take the steps needed to find yourself again, rebuild your self-esteem, and avoid the cycle of abuse.
Just like food and water are basic physical human needs, connection is a basic emotional need. Without it, we may experience loneliness or mental health conditions like depression and anxiety.
On top of allowing you to lean on others for support, connection can help you build and maintain healthy relationships in the future.
It can be scary opening up about what you’ve been through but talking to someone you trust can help reduce stress and make your struggles feel more manageable.
Outside of your support system, you could also speak with a:
If you’d prefer to speak with someone outside your personal life, you can try calling a support service like FriendLine.
FriendLine is for anyone 18+ in Australia who needs to reconnect or just wants a chat. And remember, Lifeline is always here.
Experiencing any type of domestic and family violence can be distressing and often traumatising. It makes sense if you feel like you’re struggling to cope or you’re feeling overwhelmed by your thoughts and emotions.
You may find it helpful to try:
CBT and ACT are evidence-based therapies that can help you confront and process painful emotions and give you strategies for coping in everyday life.
While there are ACT and CBT-based activities you can do on your own, it can be beneficial and more effective to work with a professional therapist.
For a trauma-informed alternative to traditional talk therapies like CBT, you can consider EMDR therapy.
A lot of people prefer EMDR for dealing with trauma because you don’t have to go into detail about the abuse or violence if you don’t want to.
Below, you can watch a video to learn more about how EMDR works.
Attending a support group or getting DFV-specific counselling after experiencing domestic and family violence can help you process your experience and find hope to move forward.
Domestic and family violence support groups can offer a safe space for you to share your story with people who understand what you’ve been through.
Most support groups are led by members of the community who have also experienced domestic and family violence and are free to attend.
On top of helping you understand the impacts that DFV can have on your life, trained counsellors can:
If you’d like to speak with domestic and family violence counselling service, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) and Full Stop (1800 385 578) both operate 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
When you’re constantly criticised, ridiculed or made to feel like everything is your fault, it’s natural to start to believe the things you’re hearing about yourself. As a result, you might think that you deserve the abuse, can’t do anything right, and aren't worthy of love and respect.
If you were prevented from maintaining your other relationships or engaging in hobbies you once enjoyed, you may have lost sense of who you are outside of the abusive relationship.
These types of experiences tend to lower your self-esteem, which can have long-term impacts on the way you view yourself, your abilities, and your worth as a person.
After experiencing domestic and family violence, the most important relationship to work on is the one you have with yourself.
For example, if you were in a relationship with someone who used emotional abuse tactics like gaslighting and coercive control, it can be helpful to look back on particular times and acknowledge that what you were experiencing was domestic and family violence. You didn't imagine it and you didn't deserve how you were being treated.
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When you’re feeling ready to build new relationships, it’s important to know what a healthy relationship looks like.
Healthy relationships allow you and the other person to have:
When something feels wrong in a relationship, it’s usually because one or more of the above has been damaged or is missing entirely.
As much as we need to feel connected to others, rushing into a new intimate relationship is not as important as your emotional safety and wellbeing.
It’s okay to take the time you need to get clear on what your needs and boundaries are.
For more ways you can take care of your mental health after experiencing domestic and family violence, you can:
If you’re a man using abuse or violence in relationships and are here because you want to explore options for changing your behaviour, you can contact Men’s Referral Service (1300 766 491) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s free, confidential, and a positive first step.
An important part of staying safe and moving forward is actively taking care of your mental health and wellbeing.
Below, you’ll find tools and apps that can teach you practical ways to understand the impact of your experience, manage distressing feelings, and rebuild confidence.
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If you’re a man using abuse or violence in relationships and are here because you want to explore options for changing your behaviour, you may want to try the Better Man online program. It's free, self-led, and a positive first step.
As isolating as experiencing domestic and family violence can feel, it's important to know that you are not alone.
Below, you'll find DFV support services that can help with things like safety planning, emergency accommodation, legal help, financial support, and counselling.
Remember, if you’re feeling overwhelmed or are in an emotional crisis, you can contact Lifeline 24 hours a day, 7 days a week via 13 11 14, text, and chat.
If you’re a man using abuse or violence in relationships and are here because you want to explore options for changing your behaviour, you can contact Men’s Referral Service (1300 766 491) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s free, confidential, and a positive first step.
Use the Lifeline Service Finder to search for more local and national services available to help support you.
Domestic and family violence (DFV) can come in many different forms. Some of the most common types include emotional abuse like coercive control and stalking, physical abuse, and financial abuse.
DFV rarely just impacts the person being abused. Friends, family members, colleagues/classmates, and others close to the person can all be affected, which is why it makes sense if you’re feeling a range of emotions right now.
No matter what type(s) of abuse a person is experiencing, it can be distressing to know or hear that someone you care about is experiencing harm. It can also be upsetting if that person stays in or keeps going back to the abusive relationship when you know they aren’t safe and deserve better.
On this page, you’ll find information on:
Scroll down to learn more.
If you suspect someone you care about is experiencing DFV, you’ve likely noticed interactions that didn’t sit right or behaviour changes that seem out of character. Sometimes, it’s just a gut feeling that something is wrong.
Some common signs that someone is experiencing DFV include:
Recognising DFV usually involves observing patterns of behaviours over time. It may not be immediately obvious, but by understanding and noting the signs and effects, you can gradually piece together a clearer picture of what's happening.
You can contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for more information and advice on whether someone you care about is experiencing domestic and family violence.
People who are abusive and violent in relationships can be very good at hiding their behaviour and actions. They can actually be quite charming.
If the way the abusive person presents to you conflicts with how they may present in the relationship, it’s common to feel confused.
For example, they might:
In some cases, the person experiencing DFV might not even realise that they’re experiencing abuse due to how extreme the emotional manipulation is.
Whether the person you care about realises they’re experiencing DFV or not, your presence and support can play a huge role in their safety and wellbeing.
If you haven’t expressed your concerns or haven’t yet acknowledged details the other person may have shared with you, it can be helpful to initiate a one-on-one conversation.
Scroll down for tips from SAFE + EQUAL on how to have that conversation.
When talking to someone about concerns for their safety, it's important that the person you care about feels comfortable to open up.
If possible:
When you're ready to ask how they are, remind them how much you care before asking about their safety. For example, you could ask:
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Do things feel safe at home?
Once you've asked about safety, listen without judgement, don't interrupt, and avoid jumping straight to solutions.
It can be scary to talk about experiencing any type of abuse. Don't be discouraged if the person you care about says they're 'fine' or shuts you down. Simply asking and letting them know you care can have a big impact.
Below, we've provided a few ideas on how to respond if they say things like 'I'm fine', 'I don't want to talk about it', 'I'm not safe' and 'I'm scared'.
If it feels right, you can respond with:
And remember, you can ask again later if you’re still worried.
It takes a lot of strength for someone to tell you they don't feel safe or are scared for their safety.
While remaining calm, you can thank them for trusting you and say things like:
When someone experiences DFV, it can leave them doubting their judgement and memory.
One of the most effective ways you can empower the person you care about is to believe them, validate their feelings, trust their experiences, and connect them with support.
You can also offer a safe space for them to ‘sense-check’ their experiences. If things like coercive control or gaslighting have occurred, they might be feeling confused about their own experiences and reality.
Simply offering them a non-judgemental space to play back the events opens up an opportunity for them to be heard and validated. This can help them gain clarity and empower them to trust their instincts.
An important way we feel safe and connected is by feeling heard. It can be difficult to hold back from saying things like ‘You’re so much better than this!’ or ‘Why don’t you just leave?’
However, the person you care about needs to have their emotions and experience validated.
For example, you could say:
That’s a lot to go through. I understand why you’re feeling this way.
If they move into blaming themselves for the abusive behaviour, reassure them it's not their fault. To learn more about how to show empathy, you can watch the video below.
It’s understandable if you want to try and convince the person you care about to reach out for help.
However, sometimes, this can have the opposite effect. Instead, gently suggest options and let them know you respect their decision either way. Ultimately, the choice is theirs.
You can suggest going to the police or contacting free and confidential counselling services like 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) and Full Stop (1800 385 578). They can also always contact Lifeline.
For a full list of the domestic and family violence support services available, visit our DFV support services page.
Leaving an abusive situation can be scary, complex, and may not happen immediately. For a number of reasons, the person you care about may not feel ready to leave and that’s okay.
It’s important to respect their right to make their own decisions. Remind them that you’re there to listen and help whenever they’re ready for practical and emotional support.
Regardless of the outcome, keep communication open by checking in regularly and reminding them they have your support. This constant reminder that you’re there for them will be important when they do feel ready to leave.
When people experience abuse, they can end up with low self-esteem and/or experience mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and suicidality.
Experiencing these challenges can make it difficult to prioritise and practise basic self-care like eating well, sleeping enough, exercising daily, and connecting with other people.
Escaping and healing from domestic and family violence takes time and requires a lot of patience from friends and family.
There may be ups and downs along the way, but your consistent presence and support throughout their journey can help break the cycle of abuse and make a lasting difference in their life.
If the person you care about has accepted your help or confided in you about their decision to leave an abusive relationship, there are practical steps you can take to support them.
Learn more about helping someone leave a domestic and family violence situation at 1800RESPECT.
For information on how to help someone experiencing tech-based abuse, visit the eSafety website or our short-term help for DFV page.
Supporting someone through domestic and family violence can be extremely tough mentally and emotionally.
It’s painful to know someone you care about is being abused and harmed, and it’s natural to feel sad, angry, frustrated, and helpless.
While all of these emotions are valid, it's important to acknowledge them and prioritise your own self-care. If you don't, it can be even harder to offer support to the person you care about.
Here are a few ways you can prioritise your self-care:
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Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish. It’s a necessary part of being able to care for others.
By prioritising your own needs, you’ll protect your mental health and be better equipped to support the person you care about through whatever they're going through.
Delivered by Lifeline, DV-alert offers online and in-person domestic and family violence response training for:
Click here to visit the DV-alert website.
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